pencil ink

2011-07-25T13:37:00.001-04:00

我不懂﹐男人到底有什麼魅力﹐到底有什麼神奇迷魂湯可以讓無數的女人如此的傻
雖然知道是錯得也還願意
雖然知道是短暫得也願意
當一個女人察覺到這個男人的花言巧語時她已經踏入了陷阱

知道這些都是甜言蜜語但還是抵擋不了
所有的勸聽都沒用但我黑白分明

好人會做壞事﹐哪壞人會做好事嗎?
好男孩兒什麼時後才會變成好男人?
為什麼這些壞咖可以那麼難以忘懷?
他說我們這些女孩兒不壞不愛
我說我要一個可以幫我換電燈泡的單純男
他說我不可能喜歡那種
他憑什麼判斷我要的是什麼﹐他又不認識我!

我還真不會玩這游戲

2011-07-25T13:10:00.001-04:00

我近幾年變成個愛哭包﹐什麼感性的事都會令我掉眼淚
不分豪邁大哭或默默哭泣
以前‘哭’代表懦弱﹐ 不哭就是勇敢﹐就是堅強﹐ 就是獨立

去年我生病的時候﹐我學會了大哭 -- 允許了自己暫時不再堅強
因為我沒有別的選擇
笑臉相迎是我的專長但獨自一人的時候就躲起來哭
我記得一個人躲在上海豪華旅館的廁所裡
在我刻意摀著嘴胸膛起伏的那剎那﹐我抬頭看到了自己在鏡子理的模樣
好無奈好害怕﹐心理有數不知的問號
不想讓別人擔心自己卻怕的要死
我每天禱告也每天憂鬱

這幾個月漸漸有好轉﹐仿彿病魔被打敗一樣
我也因為熬過了這座火山更珍惜我所有的一切
我家人﹐我姐妹們﹐我好朋友
我也常常想﹐如果我的生命今天在地球結束﹐也沒什麼遺憾得
有了這個想法每天就讓我每天要求自己做一個更善良更有貢獻的地球人
正面力量可以讓最遭的情景變得。。。沒那麼遭

態度太重要了
希望每個在跟病魔打仗的朋友們都可以打起精神來
要哭就哭
你是勇敢得

2011-06-04T02:54:00.001-04:00

好奇特
怎麼一隻蝴蝶也沒飛來環繞呢? 本來還很期待今天的晚餐
那麼帥的金髮碧眼熟男
觸碰到了手﹐一點電也沒有﹐自己也嚇倒
沒有像碰到Z手臂時那種全身觸電
而且談話有點平凡﹐我也沒什麼(真)笑﹐經營的還滿辛苦
英國腔的確是好聽迷人﹐可是聽久了也沒什麼﹐也不就是那樣
烏烏﹐禮拜三有約但這木頭人我已經從100分扣到15分了
救命阿~~~~~~~~~~

2011-05-31T00:37:00.000-04:00

我討厭讓別人決定我的情緒
一封簡訊使得我笑得合不攏嘴
另一封簡訊讓我開始胡思亂想﹐亂七八糟的憂鬱

姐妹都說要 "play the game"
人家就是沒有料也不會那一套嗎! 煩死了~

搞不懂男人!

五味雜陳

2011-04-23T03:59:00.001-04:00

深夜的寧靜使我開始自言自語

有點睏但滿腦是日記語

現在心情五味雜陳, 很難捉摸

好姐妹問我"那你回不回來?"

我心虛的說說場面話 "不知道!"

荒唐事﹐應為我知道我目標會挑戰越來越遠的地方

"那上次那個人呢?"

又一次矇住良心說了白色謊言 "沒興趣!"

她回了我: "沒關係﹐到了紐約釣一個帥哥律師去!"

烏烏﹐怎麼辦﹐對我的期望那麼高~

Decisions

2011-03-27T03:48:00.003-04:00

And when all the dust settles and moonlight glistens during the quietest periods of night, I remind myself it's about where God leads me to.

I have choices and decisions, but I also have realizations to succumb to. I have prayer to rely on.

For Mother&Co.

2011-03-21T00:46:00.003-04:00

I should be over the moon ecstatic. I should be proud. I should be celebrating this accomplishment, telling all my friends, posting it on my FB status, joining Twitter groups and FB groups. But I'm not.

Being humble is what has gotten me through trying times and modesty is what I will continue to rely on. Humble heart, steady steps.

Really it's a time for Mother&Co. to boast (although I cringe every time I hear it) to let people know that her daughter is no longer the inadequate cousin in comparison to the Yale, Princeton and Standford cousins. This is to me not being smart enough to become a doctor. It covers up the fact that I dropped out of BioChem in first year and became an Arts student, working in TV and living off "art". This is to the disappointment Mother&Co. had when her valedictorian daughter rebelled against her in high school with dismal grades.

This is for all those people that didn't believe in me, insinuating that I had my glory days as a elementary school prodigy and simply asked why I dreamed so big.

Passion pulled me through and dreaming rewarded me.

A 11:59 PM submission deadline, met at 11:52PM. Blessed and carried.

雖然我沒有他們那麼聰明但我會努力的

醫生我是當不了了

但你女兒也不賴

你終於可以已我為榮

媽媽﹐我可給你長臉了

Danse

2011-03-13T20:59:00.007-04:00

I haven't forgotten about this little hideaway. I just have been inundated with work or have been so complacent that I book myself for more work. You know, the unpaid intern life just before graduation.

Floating around is this feeling of uncertainty, though it's not from lack of effort on my part. It's just the formal process of waiting. I don't like being idle or loitering. I need to get to the next step and open the next door. I keep reminding my heart to be humble and patient.

For the first time in almost 5 years, my three best girlfriends are single. We've been dancing irresponsibly and have been acting very Sex and The City, as cliche as it sounds. Weekends are reserved for our playtime and Sunday morning is when I boldly slide open the curtains as we roll around in bed. Usually the skies are clear, Bay St. is a ghost town and we're giggling about last night's escapades.

Like the hopeless romantics all girls are, two of them started a list. You know, the list. All the things the perfect partner should or should not be. After reading the list, I realized how different mine was. Aside from the attraction and socio-economic factors, I scribbled down a few after my mandatory rom-com marathon at work. (Three Mathew McConaughey movies in 2 days took the rom-com fan out of me.)

I told my friend E, who has always dated older men (think 22 and dating 34), that the list to me is unrealistic. A robot isn't being built. We're talking about humans, with experiences and stories, with bad habits and good habits, with kind hearts and less kind hearts. Although E agrees with the idea of a list. She says having this list lets you go into a relationship with expectations, which gets straight to the point and doesn't waste time.

Ironically, list making is my forte, but this is a list I refuse to make at the moment.

Journal-ING

2010-12-06T19:31:00.004-05:00

On my 18th century lit midterm, the TA commented that my writing is stiff and perhaps I need to write in a journal.

Little does he/she know, journaling is my hobby. Writing papers on 18th century views of a city upbringing versus a rural life is not.

I'm not a writer and never will be. I never claim to be great at writing, only passionate at storytelling. It's something I've always been critiqued on (bizarre sentence fragments, run-on sentences, awkward phrasing etc.), but never really bothered me because I don't categorize myself as a writer. I don't take pride in writing grammatically flawless and critical papers. Rather, I take pride in my own style of 'writing' - a messy, unstructured and honest flow of thoughts. That's all, nothing more, nothing less.

十字路口

2010-11-18T00:52:00.004-05:00

一個人

邁向十字路口

看見了擁擠的交通﹐人潮

我感到卻匪夷所思的孤獨

感覺好像我停留在時間上﹐但世界還繼續走

身邊的環境變了靜音, 心裡的話卻被擴音

而我無奈,無助

一個人默默的哽咽

鼻子開始酸﹐眼睛開始熱淚盈眶

傻妞﹐別哭了

把眼淚擦乾

把頭抬起來

用心的禱告

耐心的等待

勇敢的小飛俠

2010-11-06T23:12:00.008-04:00

小時後﹐我很愛打針

不﹐這不是什麼變態的怪癖﹐只是我媽媽是熟練的老護士﹐所以打針都不痛

這也是我可以展示我勇敢的時候

問我痛不痛﹐我都擺擺頭褲子一穿就跑了

呵呵﹐小飛俠勇敢的勒!

小時後抵抗力也強﹐沒什麼機會要打針﹐大不了就是預防針或疫苗之類的

自從我生病以來﹐ "針"已經變成我的惡夢了

每次抽血的時候﹐都希望我可以昏倒﹐不用再抽了

一罐一罐濃密的血﹐到底是會給我好消息還是懷消息?

生病不是我一個人的事﹐ 可是我努力的不讓其他人擔心

唯一的方法就是把它當成我的秘密

媽媽看我回來的時候很沮喪﹐買了個名牌包包給我﹐我卻應為起床氣還有不捨得媽

媽花了一筆冤枉錢﹐卻對她發脾氣﹐說我根本不會用而且罵她亂買東西

當下看到媽媽的一番好意被我糟塌﹐我更難過但實在拉不下臉說對不起

親口聽媽媽說那是她的好意更讓我抱歉

媽媽的傷心表情會是我永記在心的表情 - 我不會讓它在浮現了

媽媽每天都問我有沒有吃藥﹐吃了藥有沒有不舒服

當下會用覺得厭煩﹐但也知道這是媽媽的關心

要是真的不舒服﹐我也照樣說一切都很好

我第一次豪放大哭是在上海的飯店理

因為跟弟弟睡一個房所以我跑到廁所偷偷摀著嘴巴的哭起來

看著鏡子裡的我﹐我感到無助跟無奈

事實就是我生病了﹐可是什麼時候才會好?

有時後一個人會無緣無故躲起來小小聲的哭 (好笑的是我都一個人住)

哪怕是這樣﹐我都會快快的振作起來﹐不可以讓可惡的病魔得逞

前幾個禮拜﹐我透露了這消息給我兩個好朋友聽 (加起來﹐我沒讓超過5個人知道)﹐

她卻比我還擔心﹐說她聽到我描述讓她非常心疼。送我回家前還握著我手說會天天

幫我禱告~

這是我不想要的 -- 我不想家人好友心疼我。。。我不要讓病魔讓我們那麼不開心

也就是為什麼跟病魔奮鬥是我的秘密

這是小飛俠展現勇敢的時候

雖然我時時提醒自己要勇敢, 有時候還是很害怕

特別是哭起來的時候

那種無奈無助的感覺就會重新浮出﹐怎麼壓抑都壓不了

因為一個人單獨的時候是最誠實的

不用笑臉相迎﹐笑聲掩蓋

在那一刻可以表現已經憔悴的我

可惡的病魔﹐我要打敗你然後請你離我遠遠的﹐買個飛機票飛去外太空吧你!

Groups

2010-09-27T22:45:00.005-04:00

Thank goodness, I have been adopted into a group! It's been such a frenzied weekend, with exchanges of phone calls and numerous e-mails. To be honest, I was only really passionate about 3 of the 22 pitches accepted. I applied to be in all 3 groups and were accepted.

This is where the hard part began. If I had been only accepted into 1, it would've made deciding really easy. Embarrassingly, I had a mini panic attack because I know the feeling of having the other side waiting. Within 5 minutes, my instincts led me to the group I initially had placed as my top choice.

The entire debacle started on Friday, right after pitches. To say I was nervous is an understatement. I just couldn't bear having to work with a group I wasn't passionate about. I'm very lucky to have been adopted by my group.

On Friday night, as soon as the e-mail exchange started, I prayed that I would be led to the right group. Instead of considering all the frivolous factors that would sway my decisions, I wanted to be in a group that was right for me.

It's been a few days of being really antsy and unsettled! And it's definitely thrown my pattern off. I couldn't really get a lot of studying or reading in. I went on this sporadic retail therapy trip, which ended up feeling so good, but was ultimately terribly quixotic in hindsight. Please keep me away from a shopping mall? I'm trying to save up for a digital piano because I find playing piano makes me happy. Oh yeah, add on 5 episodes of HIMYM, 3 catch up episodes of 30 Rock, the Glee episode and the newest Vampire Diaries episode. I had a nice TV weekend whilst refreshing my e-mail 80 times a day.

And because of my mixed up weekend, I wasn't able to head to the gym or go for a good swim. I find endorphins have been helpful in balancing me out in this schedule. It calms me down quite a bit and replaces my need for caffeine. There's a reason why they don't sell natural endorphins in a bottle. It's much more rewarding when earned.

I knew this would happen - I knew the dust would settle. Prayer, patience and belief. Back on the rigorous studying pact tomorrow! Wish me luck!

Keep happy, dearest friends.

Light Hearted

2010-09-23T00:32:00.006-04:00

My heart has become light. I've realized sometimes I just can't do it on my own. It's all about F.R.O.G. And I mean that in the most sincere way. No longer do I feel like I'm carrying myself toward my goals this year, but rather, God is answering my prayers every day.

This year, thus far, has presented the most challenges for me, creating bends in the road that should be causing mini melt downs. Instead, I am feeling a sense of placidity. A few months back, my emotions were extremely mercurial, though I just reasoned it being girly hormones giving me a hard time.

Every day no longer seems like a challenge or stress fest. Perhaps it's because I realize it's my senior year and I'm savouring every moment that zips by. Perhaps it's this feeling of optimism, knowing that I'm a blessed girl and that everything always works out. Whatever it is, my Type A personality is slowly being pushed out by an air of peace in my heart. It's a good feeling.

I've also been telling a few people how much I enjoy the actual process of learning now. It's taken me a few years, but I realize learning is a personal asset that can't be taken away. I'm valuable in the knowledge I have. It builds character, personality, judgement, values. I've figure out the algorithm to how I dissect a novel. I have a particular methodology of taking notes. I can gauge the professor's passion in the first class. I'm able to pull up theorists and scholarly articles when having discussions. I finally feel learned, although not nearly enough. Adding onto this, I have a few professors this semester that are obviously zealous about what they teach and are so well-learned that I've become slightly smitten by this showcase of knowledge. It triggers my desire to perform at a senior level, to reciprocate this passionate attitude. Just a tad Type A, but it doesn't necessarily mean it's a negative point. And this sort of reassures me that I actually have a reason for applying to grad school. No longer is it just a "to-do", but a wonderful opportunity to further my newfound love for being well-learned.

"Whoever is happy will make others happy too." -- Anne Frank

Isn't it the most truthful and wonderful quote?

That Toronto Feeling

2010-09-13T21:38:00.005-04:00

You know, a lot of people don't admit it, but Toronto's a great place. After having been in Asia for 3 months this Summer, I come back to Toronto missing it dearly and thinking how unique this city actually is. It's not a Los Angeles and it never will be. It's the cleaner cousin of New York City, minus all the American ideologies and politics.

After class today, I took a stroll to buy some groceries on Dundas. It's a familiar place for me or rather, the idea is - to have some down time and browse without time constraints and people watch. What is Toronto without all the cute hipster boys and girls on their vintage bicycles? The feeling is familiar. In a late summer/pre-fall dress, my sleeves rolled up and environmentally bag in hand, I went to engage in what Toronto had to offer, more so than to really buy groceries. (I now have about 2 weeks worth of food! Cooking for one is difficult.) I was smiling all day, from the combination of being in one of my favourite dresses and because I'm excited, optimistic, willing to go for it.

I love this time of the year. The pre-fall, just back to school, summer spirits still high type of time.

Writing down dates into my planner and onto the large calendar on my desk, I feel less anxiety. I see the abundance of colour coded tasks and deadlines, but I feel good about it. I'm very excited and oddly optimistic. I've learned both those, especially in combination, bring you a long way. I have a new part-time job as a TA, with hours I'm trying to manage amongst all this 4th year stuff. I know I'm blessed to have this amazing job. I was quite upset I didn't receive a call back from another one that I had really wanted, but in hindsight, this one is much more suitable. Thankful.

My e-mail inbox, thanks to gmail and the brilliant colour labels, is also an array of colours. I love it though. Somehow, I'm thriving off all these responsibilities and ...that feeling when you accomplish something. Asian child perfectionist complex will never be gone.

I've also been to the doctors and various appointment more times in the last few while than all the years combined that I've lived in Toronto. It was quite daunting at first, but it's not the end of the world. I'll survive. I'll make the best out of it. I have a few specialist appointments coming up, but I'm sort of putting it just in the back of my mind.

Optimism...it's like some type of contagious magic.

堅持

2010-09-04T22:24:00.002-04:00

我沒什麼﹐就是個‘強’字把握吃了

從小我最受不得激

我媽常常提醒我一個故事:

三歲的時候﹐為了某件事生氣﹐一個人一整晚雙手插著坐在床上

固執的就這樣生氣一晚!

動也不動! 就是怎麼強

到了現在﹐我還是一樣會堅持不渝

你說我做不到﹐但如果在我有把握的範圍內﹐我一定會做的漂漂亮亮﹐而且還要超

越﹐一定要~ (人要面子﹐樹要皮不是嗎?)

要是有人批評我﹐無賴我人格﹐小看我﹐我就跟它拼了!

這是我的動力﹐希望可以激發漂亮的成績~

機會是給準備好的人

我

來

了

Trading Up

2010-08-14T06:03:00.004-04:00

I'm back from China! It's been an exhausting trip, but quite memorable. China is a strange place to me. I thought I knew what being "Chinese" meant, but summer vacations in Taiwan doesn't seem to fit the curriculum. Rather, I've realized how individualistic and distinct each country's culture is. What appears to be common (and somewhat universal) mannerisms absolutely has not transcended to China. Unfortunately, China seems to be 20 years behind in 'culture and manners' while it's economy sky rockets to a level that cannot be grasped. It is a place of great divide, especially in respect to wealth, class, education and living quality. It's funny how in lectures we've learned that Canada's identity is difficult to conclude since the land mass spreads from coast to coast. Imagine China - a country with many provinces that don't even speak the same dialect, that rely on different resources for their annual GDP, that have different religions, different ethnic minorities. In comparison, hockey defines Canada, but what defines China?

On a personal note, my hair has continued to shed at an alarming rate. I've done a few blood tests and the blood glucose test, but waiting is the hardest part. I've been pretty sluggish because I'm so worried, which is inducing stress ...a terrible cycle. I really have to figure out a way to destress, though it used to be an adrenaline rush I craved. Not anymore please! I'm just hoping whatever it is, my hair stops falling out. I've always been pompous about how much hair I had and wished I had thinner hair. What silly young girl thoughts!

Bumming before an afternoon nap, I turned to a gospel channel to watch a sermon. I find that I always find reassurance in words from the bible. I know the miracles that can happen. In the sermon, the pastor reminded us to pray diligently. To not be afraid to be ask. To reach beyond your abilities and pray with an earnest heart. And while this happens, your vessel will overflow. Whether you fill this hope with a cup, a bowl, a vase or whatever...you need to trade up. Trading up will not disappoint because you will find that God will let these miracles overflow.

From this post on...

2010-07-09T21:11:00.009-04:00

I want to be more positive when blogging here. I mentioned to a friend a long time ago that I felt my blog was far more emo than I really am, and she had told me, it is only when we're emotional do we blog well. Most of the time when you're happy, blogging doesn't make much sense since you're celebrating elsewhere. It is when we're alone and unhappy, does blogging seem to make the most sense - in a personal blog anyway.

However, as I read more and more motivating and inspiring blogs, I can't help but feel the need to decimate the habit of writing blogs that make it seem if I have a grey cloud hanging over my head all the time. Those that know me in real life, know I'm quite the opposite. But when I am being an old lady and introvert at home, alone by myself, my blog is where I express all the things I cannot in an audible world. I feel as if my blog has had a negative effect on my soul, as serious as it sounds. Writing entries that emit negative energy has somehow translated to this -ve energy staying stationary in me, instead of channeling out of my brain like I had initially intended for.

I want my blog to be the first of many changes from me this summer. Hopefully this will lead me to a good chain reaction.

About a month ago, I noticed the floor would be covered in a thin net of hair stands within a day or so. I would sweep the floor and wonder why I was shedding so much. It didn't really concern me or ring a lightbulb. I sort of just let it pass nonchalantly. Then a week or so ago, I noticed my hair was severely falling out. A light brush with my hand would take out 7 or 8 strands. I was terrified. I have always been the girl complaining about thick and voluminous hair that I was shocked. Quickly becoming paranoid, I googled all the possible diseases associated with my symptoms. Kidding aside, I thought I was going to die of some horrible disease. Or at least go bald, which ultimately means death for me. Talking to my OB-GNY aunt, she asked a bunch of questions and concluded I needed to sleep earlier and stress less. (I had been suffering from insomnia for the past month or so, falling alseep around 4 or 5AM and waking up within a few short hours.)

After a few days of forcing myself to hit the hay at exactly 10PM, my hair seems to be doing a lot better. I have always been able to pull all-nighters, but it seems like my body has passed its teenage years. I'm not exactly sure where my source of stress comes from...well, aside from my constant worries of GREs and grad school apps. All the what-ifs that follow are subconciously burdening me down more than I realize. I also went to a chinese herbalist doctor, a holistic practitioner if you will. After a feel of my pulse, I was also told from him to sleep earlier in addition to a list of foods I needed to avoid. Perhaps this hair falling out debacle is a warning to that my body needs to be taken care of, to be fed the proper way, in order to function the best it can. Some of these changes will be onerous, but I'll never know until I try. I mean, if I am able to endure herbal medicine 3 times a day with a bitter level of 1000/10, there's nothing I am not willing to try.

From this entry on, I want my blog to be a more correct relfection of me. The entries will be more casual, of goals I am setting, improvements I will be implementing into my life and track this stage in my life that I am terrified, but excited to take on: graduation and applying to graduate school.

Letter 13 — Someone you wish could forgive you

2010-06-25T14:54:00.002-04:00

I know this sounds silly, but I feel like you're still mad at me. Or rather, after that day of being upset, you have become disappointed in me. I feel like our friendship consists of a barrier now. And I acknowledge this as completely my fault. It's one my biggest regrets.

It's strange how 1 single event can change the way our friendship feels. As you've gotten closer with other people, the more I feel we are drifting apart. What used to come naturally now feels awkward.

I'm gonna go with the flow. But I'm going to make an effort. I promise.

Letter 2 — Your crush

2010-06-25T09:54:00.005-04:00

You'll always be someone who is unattainable, with somewhat of a celebrity status. All the girls love you. Your handsome looks win them over. You're aware that your bad boy attitude captivates them.

On the off chance I see you, I stare in awe. You are a gorgeous man, who will age in a Clooney-esque manner.

That time that my nerves allowed us to speak for more than 10 minutes, I was surprised by your humble attitude. And deadly smile, of course. However, it's your pompous aura that is so alluring.

Letter 27 — The friendliest person you knew for only one day

2010-06-25T09:42:00.005-04:00

At first, I rejected the idea of actually searching for you. But every time I tell the story of you, a stranger I literally knew only for 1 day, I am encouraged to seek for you.

Thanks for helping create the most comfortable and casual afternoon. You allowed me to learn what an effortless conversation feels like.

I'm not sure we'll ever meet again. It would be splendid if we did though.

I'll keep searching and let you know this story when I find you. In a city of 2.5 million, I'm sure we've brushed by each other without knowing. It's a small world, but also a big world.

Letter 7: ex-boyfriend, girlfriend, love, crush.

2010-06-22T14:21:00.008-04:00

你呀﹐我的媽﹐真是個才子
當時我聽到你和我一個學姐在交往時﹐沒什麼震撼得~
你們兩兒根本就是才子佳人
她幫你畫的那副油畫實在太棒了
你們兩個就是覺配!
真心的祝福祝福~

還記得第一次和你對到眼的時候﹐我剛好要進工作室
你哪﹐就酷酷得在整理器材
我們兩對看了五秒吧而我卻在想‘為什麼我不認識他阿?’
好巧的﹐我們很快地就在工作上面有互動﹐有時時的偶遇

還記得我第一次觸碰你的手臂時﹐我整個人類似觸了電的感覺
你每次靠近﹐我都會心速加快﹐小鹿亂撞~
真丟臉阿!! 可是現在回想起來還滿好笑得

有一度我還真迷戀你的才華 (現在還是。。。只是變成一種尊敬)
記得我加你臉書時﹐好多女生都羨慕死了
叫我把帳號給她們或一起看你的照片哈哈哈
你看你超強手的!!

還有你寫給我的信件把我逗得歡得勒!
沒想到你也是個幽默鬼~~~
平常看你嚴肅認真得樣子﹐還不敢跟你開玩笑呢

去年底﹐我知道你警覺到我在面對你時的一種尷尬。。。
你越對我好﹐我就越遠離
我當時不知到怎麼去表現自然
我只懂得避免你﹐當你不重要﹐表現出毫不在乎得模樣
我們的曖昧指數不停的打轉...可是也不停地停頓
似乎沒有降落的現象﹐也沒發展得空間
我不夠勇敢 -- 沒有勇氣
可是你總是環繞著我﹐無時無刻出現﹐給我驚訝也提醒我你的存在
這﹐是緣份在耍我嗎?
難道我的刻意疏遠還比不過緣份嗎?

已經過了一段時間
你我也漸漸地找回對方了﹐毀滅了以前的陌生
我不是個大剌剌的女生
我遇到就會害羞
你可能把它當作不削﹐不理不睬可是那只是我保護自己的防衛方法

和你嘻皮笑臉的時段﹐是我非常非常開心得一段時光
希望我們的友誼可以繼續延長
當彼此的好朋友

來個小曖昧我還可以
不要來個無法自拔得就好~
嘿﹐回台灣的前一天開車看到你﹐豈不是。。。
哈哈哈
好啦﹐回來見~ 你放假玩的開心點
記得把相片給我看!!

Letter 17: Someone from your childhood

2010-06-22T13:31:00.008-04:00

TO 凱:

你知道嗎﹐我是個重情重義的小妞耶
那麼多年來﹐雖然我移民到加拿大去﹐我都沒有忘記你
每次聽到一個類似或接近你名字時﹐都會回想到你
回想到小時後一起坐娃娃車﹐每天和你在一起有說有笑得
每個人都說我們兩小無猜﹐青梅竹馬
還記得你送給我的那個髮圈很可愛﹐很喜歡
不知道為什麼到了現在還是把我跟你一起的畫面記得一清二楚
很奇妙吧?
搞不好我沒出國現在已經是你的紅粉知己了!!
我以前都是妹妹頭﹐很可愛
你一定是被我的可愛清秀給迷到了哈哈哈

你現在一切好嗎?
已經畢業了﹐工作好嗎?
聽說自從你媽媽過世後你們就搬家了。聯診所都收了。。。
還記得每次奶奶去跟你媽咪聊天就會帶著我
而我每次都會害羞得躲在我奶奶後面(好討厭的小孩哦!!對不起拉~)
我表哥們跟你哥是小學同學你記得嗎?

雖然知道診所關了﹐你們也搬了家但我兩年前回來還是有經過
刻意留意有沒有熟悉的面孔
還滿無聊的
你應該已經變成了一個大帥哥了哈哈 (還是台客? 還是宅男? 還是???)
其實我腦袋理的"你"就停留在娃娃車上
已經是個模糊不清得面相
但那條巷子﹐你家的招牌﹐你們診所的氛圍﹐氣味﹐我都還記得

噢﹐對了﹐謝謝你的髮圈!
還有謝謝你都在娃娃車上挺我~不管是不是你媽或我奶奶吩咐得! 哈哈哈

不知到宇宙會不會讓這一對老朋友再次相逢呢?
想你的
霖

Letters

2010-06-10T07:33:00.010-04:00

I found this on a blog that I read regularly. I want to start tonight, most likely anachronically. I just feel like the same person might land on few different days.

Day 1 — Your best friend
Day 2 — Your crush
Day 3 — Your parents
Day 4 —Your sibling (or closest relative)
Day 5 — Your dreams
Day 6 — A stranger
~~Day 7 — Your ex-boyfriend/girlfriend/love/crush~~
Day 8 — Your favorite internet friend
Day 9 — Someone you wish you could meet
Day 10 — Someone you don’t talk to as much as you’d like to
Day 11 — A deceased person you wish you could talk to
Day 12 — The person you hate most/caused you a lot of pain
Day 13 — Someone you wish could forgive you
Day 14 — Someone you’ve drifted away from
Day 15 — The person you miss the most
Day 16 — Someone that’s not in your state/country
~~Day 17 — Someone from your childhood~~
Day 18 — The person that you wish you could be
Day 19 — Someone that pesters your mind—good or bad
Day 20 — The one that broke your heart the hardest
Day 21 — Someone you judged by their first impression
Day 22 — Someone you want to give a second chance to
Day 23 — The last person you kissed
Day 24 — The person that gave you your favorite memory
Day 25 — The person you know that is going through the worst of times
Day 26 — The last person you made a pinky promise to
~~Day 27 — The friendliest person you knew for only one day~~
Day 28 — Someone that changed your life
Day 29 — The person that you want tell everything to, but too afraid to
Day 30 — Your reflection in the mirror

Old Lottery Man

2010-06-07T02:01:00.009-04:00

It makes me really upset to know there are some things that are not in my control.

Walking back from getting lunch today, I witnessed an atrocity that probably happens more often than it should. I witnessed an extremely frail old man being verbally abused by his foreign caretaker and I was furious, almost to the point of going up to her to scold her in tenfolds of how she was treating the old man.

I have a soft spot for old people - my heart opens up tremendously. Perhaps it's an Asian teaching, where you always respect your elders. For me, I automatically think of my grandparents and lately, I've been relating the words 'old people' to my parents as well.

This old man wore a face mask like they do in hospitals. He was very skinny for his frame, hair all white and skin with the signs of time evident. His actions were slow, as if trying to prevent himself from falling. With each tremble, he inched forward away from the lottery ticket counter. (In Taiwan, it's common for older people to buy lottery tickets as a hobby. My grandpa does this. He keeps a book, trying to systematically remember which numbers he's picked already. It's his daily ritual, a hobby that costs mere dollars, but gives him enough joy if only petty cash is won.) I noticed a urine bag tucked under the old man's jacket. I also noticed his caretaker sitting on a stool, glaring at him with annoyed eyes, not even getting up to help him walk. As he slowly took steps to approach the busy crosswalk, the caretaker sternly stood up, but refused to be of any help. This made me absolutely furious. The old man was almost toppling backward!

We momentarily stood beside each other and I widened my eyes with a look of concern. As I was about to cross, I stalled upon hearing his caretaker yell at him. She was scolding him extremely loudly, with the tone of annoyance. He told her he wanted to cross, but she insisted on having him go home. It was not until I crossed the street did I realize he needed to be transported in a wheel chair. The very basic chair had been idlely kept behind the traffic light post. She also wore a mask, which when she loudly yelled at the old man would puff up with each word. When I got to the other side of the street, I contemplated if I should go back to let her know she shouldn't be yelling at him. I was furious and tearing. Older people should not be treated like this. I would never let anyone treat my gramps or my parents that way. And as she forcefully made him sit down in the chair, I was worried he would topple into the the chair and hurt himself. As soon as he settled in and slowly put his kane onto the foot rest, she had the nerve to take out her cell phone when her primary job is to TAKE CARE of the old man?!!? Unbelievable.

I've been extremely lucky to be surrounded by kind and loving individuals. All of our caretakers and housekeepers have become friends with my gramps and our family. I remember before I moved to Toronto, my nanny was crying when I left for the airport!

To us, my gramps is still the man of the house, the head honcho of this family tree. We treasure him, we take very good care of him and we accomodate to his every need. He is the reason why we have everything we have - the values, the work ethic and more materialistically the monetary accounts. I know to press the elevators before he even gets to the area so he doens't have to wait since he's in a walker. I know to put my hand over his head when he gets into the car so he doesn't hit the door frame. I know to quickly grab his walker and assemble it when he opens his car door. I know to wake up early, even after I've stayed up to chat with friends in Toronto, to eat breakfast with him. I know he likes to be held by the left elbow when walking upstairs. He likes hot soup at every dinner, papaya after dinner and takes afternoon naps. He wakes up every morning to practice his English with workbooks then reads the morning paper.

It's said that as you age, you become more child like. It's true, we revert back to a state of dependency and need in our old age. We need more care, attention and love. If there's anything we need more of in this world, it's not bills printed on paper, not pearls from the Pacific Ocean, but kindness and tolerance. And geuinely loving people. And time, I guess, since aging is plainly a passing of time.

Always a girl, bounded by time.

Dear Diary

2010-05-04T13:20:00.020-04:00

After some experimentation, I have decided that I prefer being an introvert in terms of sharing my thoughts and feelings with others in the most honest way I know how: blogging. It's one of my resolutions this year, to be more honest and open with good friends, but whether executed or not, it hasn't really affected the way we interact. I don't feel like the effort is validated in any way. In fact, it has only restricted my range of blogging.

I find myself writing for the handful of readers I'm aware of and this is not the reason I started blogging 8 years ago. Blogging was an effective way for me to logically sort out my teenage angst - to just vent my frustrations to an online community that would not be able to pass judgement. A virtual community yes, but till this day, I still periodically check my old list of subscriptions and try to see what these strangers are up to.

There's just a certain thrill in being mysterious, at least personally, when blogging. I like using aliases, although "a y l" is my real name - first letters of my first and middle names. I prefer to write without boundaries. And to not to drop the link anywhere for people I know to find - that way, whoever passes by to read has arrived by fate.

When I tell friends that I feel like I know more about a random blogger that I've followed for the past 6 years than some people I know "in real life" (IRL), they don't get it. It's not important to them. There is no sense of amazement or acknowledgement of this phenomenon. And that's what separates the avid bloggers from the average internet user, presumably consumed by Facebook for the purpose of looking at photos of other people. They haven't created an alter-ego through Facebook. They are who they are. Name, school, work place, friends, mutual friends...all of which are real facts and connections that have been established in a tangible world. Blogging on the other hand, invites strangers to read about each others' lives and connections are made with the author's personality...like an aura that can only be communicated across screens. Plainly, the blogging community is fairly esoteric. You either get it or don't. Love it or hate it. There are no in betweens and frankly, this is not a snobby comment, but just my own experience as this form of communication has evolved with technology and time. (Don't get me started on claims from people who are 'social media experts'. Pffffft, knowing how to use the internet and not being over the age of 57 does not automatically qualify one to be in an area of expertise.)

It's fascinating and easy how details of one's life slips through in a few blog entries. I told a friend that I'm scared if I ever meet the few bloggers who I absolutely love, that I would hate them if there were a drastic difference between their online personality and RL personality. It would ruin any sort of connection that 2 strangers had. She didn't get it - and in fact from the response, doesn't think the online world can conjugate with the RL world.

Most recently, I've developed a liking toward narratives, or rather, describing and re-living certain "moments".

I've started writing in memory books again. Read all my entries in the one pictured above and wrote 2 entries...took me 1.5 hours. I was afraid my thoughts wouldn't flow as fast since it would have to be handwritten.

Not sure when the next time an entry will be made that is not of a pictorial or quotes nature.

Perhaps when the pages run out.

小女孩兒的白馬王子

2010-05-03T13:08:00.001-04:00

Sparkling Chandelier

2010-04-26T01:37:00.013-04:00

Walking across Front Street from Bay/College up until the St. Lawrence Market always makes me feel like I'm in a different city. Perhaps, this is the real Toronto - away from the hustle and bustle of the big city, the student campuses, hipster hangouts - with abundance of green space, coffee shops, used book stores and old architecture.

My route usually pans out like this - down Bay Street, all the way until King Street and well into the Financial District. (I love seeing men dressed in nice suits. And Bay St. has plenty of this during the lunch rush.) Then depending on the position of the sun, it's either direct east on King until I hit Market Lane or down Bay and through Front. With all the tall buildings on Bay, there are severe wind tunnels that bring in this awful draft even on the nicest of days.

It was 12:20 and I was early for my 1PM lunch date at the St. Lawrence. I decided I'd go visit the used bookstore and see what I could find. After all, I did just watch Absolutely, Maybe the night before while packing up my condo, which contains the cutest narrative of a used bookstore and the fate that a particular book brings.

What, construction boards? The Berkeley Residences?! Another indie store has closes to the construction of a luxury condo. Oh, but thank goodness the "Gifts From Around The World Store/Year Round Christmas Store" is still open beside it.

This was a magical place. And really hard to explain the atmosphere while inside. It's certainly not kitschy or retro - it's more of an antique store with specialty items, including year round Christmas decorations. And not the average tinsel and tree carpet, but large hand frosted and painted ornaments with signs like "We believe in Christmas, all year round." or "Unattended children will be sold to elves." All I can say is, I felt like I was transported into Serendipity and at any moment I was going to turn around, bump into a stranger and re-enact Serendipity at its best. It was as if Santa made toys all year round, not only of Christmasy nature, and Mrs. Clause was the cute Grandma at the counter.

Turning around, I see hanging in mid air a chandelier that seemed to glisten and sparkle to the music playing in store. I'm not entirely sure if it was music or just the sounds of a few of the music boxes and wind chimes doing their job. The lighting in the store is soft and warm with a hint of orange, complementing everything that had a sparkle and reflecting comfortably off the sheen of the wooden toys.

The layout of the store is amazing. Not your big box type, but rather purposely rustic - as if on display in one's home. Passing by the display of the softest plush for babies, I notice a posting taped onto the front counter. Below the posting was a floral address book where addresses were left so the new address of the store could be mailed out. (Imagine arriving in Heaven and after entering, there is this wooden counter much too tall to see over unless on tippy toes. This is what it was like!)

September 2010 would be their last month at this old address. The condo expansion not only took over the used bookstore, it is also taking over The Christmas Store.

I glanced down at the time and realized I would be late if I stayed any longer. It was only mere seconds after I stepped out of the store did I feel absolutely horrible that a condo would be taking over the store. It is after all, The Christmas Store. And I feel like the owner of the store is the type to dismiss profit and purely have the store out of interest or because there is a fantastic story that follows.

I might need to change my path from now on.

The human heart has hidden treasures. In secret kept, in silence sealed; The thoughts, the hopes, the dreams, the pleasures, whose charms were broken if revealed. -- Charlotte Bronte

男, 朋友

2010-04-18T15:00:00.010-04:00

我大表哥每次看到我都問我有沒有交男朋友

有始有終都是沒有的回他

並不是我不要﹐可是這就沒有飛躍我腦子裡

從來沒有

我是一個非常堅強的人

小時候媽媽就把我寄宿在保姆家﹐只有禮拜日有空帶我出去玩

(要不是就三兩天換個幼幼班﹐而是整天那種)

可是見到爸爸媽媽的時候﹐我是個公主

爺爺奶奶﹐叔叔阿姨都把我捧在手心裡

但是我就是個硬骨頭﹐像個小男生一樣﹐固執得不得了!

剪了個男生頭既然還被奶奶套上小洋裝和公主髮飾品

千金小公主很快地變成了一個調皮搗蛋得好動鬼! 呵呵

回看那時候的照片﹐我真開朗﹐陽光﹐嘻嘻哈哈的~ 笑死了!

來到了加拿大﹐媽媽生了弟弟﹐也要照顧兩個表哥﹐根本是把我忽略掉

可能忽略是太殘忍的用字吧 -- 反正就導致我要時時刻刻自力更生就對了

還好我已經在台灣被練成要依靠自己
(雖然小小的﹐可是我就是脾氣強﹐自尊心也強)

三歲拿筷子自己吃飯

四歲自己洗澡 (我的頭髮又長又厚﹐佩服這小孩)

五歲自己走到學校

六歲自己學英文﹐做功課﹐折衣服

七歲自己知道什麼時候要睡覺﹐要起床

八歲自己用小紅國語字典和注音每個字每個字查來寫中文學校功課

(同學的媽媽都幫她們寫耶~)

十歲那年﹐媽媽一大早﹐天還沒亮就把我載到游泳比賽場合
但沒有留下來看我那一場。
我贏了第一名 (而且是有些孩子都還沒到第一個25M的牆
我就興奮得從水池爬出來了! 並沒有人跟我分享我那時候最榮幸得時光。
媽媽來接我得時候﹐也沒什麼大反映--可能她早就可以遇了得到吧。
我默默得坐在車上﹐也默默得怪媽媽.)

從進小學到小學畢業﹐我都是班上數一數二名。
我發現只要在學校表現得好﹐就會得到誇獎和欣賞﹐是我在家裡沒有得到的。

這是很自然的過程﹐並不是我小小的頭腦啟發的。

十三歲我國小畢業領了三個非常榮譽得大獎:
科學獎﹐法文獎還有畢業生自答詞獎(應該用錯字了哈哈)
但只有阿姨和表哥們有來。
媽媽爸爸都在半個世界的遙遠
這是我那時後氣我媽媽的原因
我懂非常時期﹐但還是嫉妒別的同學都有爸媽來幫他們加油﹐慶祝﹐拍照。

高中時期是我非常難忘但也非常恨得時期
叛逆嗎? 也不算。憂鬱嗎? 好像有一點。

我只能以"一山比一山高"和"天外有天" + "小時了了" 來形容我那時得感覺。

我在怎麼讀﹐怎麼唸﹐就是沒辦法滿足我自己

和達到以前人人對我有的標準和盼望。

我失敗了

反正也那麼爛了﹐也沒什麼心情讀好書...沒人陪我﹐沒人鼓勵我..誇獎我。

那時後是我最需要得﹐卻沒人輔助我~

就是這鼓"氣"害了我

覺得為什麼是我﹐我們家﹐也太不公平了吧

九年級到十一的當中﹐我跟我弟是兩個人住。阿姨會來看但就是我們兩相依為命。

現在回想﹐根本就是兩個小孩子嗎 -- 真殘

也就是這時候﹐我開始出去玩﹐把"開心"和朋友放第一﹐學業放第二。還常常耍

脾氣搞的大家都不高興但在朋友面前就嘻嘻哈哈得...可能這就是我的叛逆吧﹐

大聲的宣佈我的憤怒。

直到認識了主耶穌以後我才慢慢領域到人生就是這樣

起起落落﹐像個雲霄飛車一樣

沒有酸那有甜呢?

主讓我剛到了溫暖﹐無限制得愛﹐永不離棄關懷

是我在最低潮得救命恩人

我不再有任何的恨﹐憤怒﹐生氣

我看到了小時後的傻氣﹐不懂事﹐天真

也改變我看人與人的緣份

該來的就會來﹐不該來的就乖乖等吧

這就是我對男朋友的看法

雖然我那時後是孤單的﹐但從沒有一次想過隨隨便便交往個男友

我缺乏的是小朋友對家庭的渴望﹐媽媽爸爸的呵護﹐不是所謂的異性"愛"

我也覺得我實在經歷過太多﹐也無法讓我去想要不要交男友﹐根本沒時間

而轉學了以後﹐我變得非常開心﹐開朗

天天到學校就仿彿小孩兒在玩耍得時光~

我的時間都是在修養自己﹐調試態度﹐把以前的時間追回來
沒有多餘的可以給別人

加上我從小就是自力更生﹐我習慣了一個人

我聯看電視都只能一個獨飛俠不然會不專心

就是這個心態讓我大學這麼多年來﹐對男友沒興趣

可是最近周遭的朋友也畢業了﹐不是雙雙對對就是在忙碌得尋找白馬王子

給我很多壓力

一兩次做電燈泡也就算了﹐可是我也不願意每次都是好嗎!!

我不是第三腳或五腳。。。我是我姐妹中的第七腳耶!!

我有個懷習慣 -- 我第一次遇到男生就會知道我對他是"喜歡"還是"純朋友"。
被列到朋友的就以後就是哥兒們了~見光死吧! 哈哈
但我多數喜歡的都是很夢幻的﹐

非常難以接近的而離"不可能"非常接近的。不是才子就是個性帥哥
而且我就是個膽小鬼嗎!! 對於拋眉眼和耍可愛我就非常不擅長而也不懂。
每次有給我暗示﹐我就直率的回答把氣氛搞的怪怪的! 哈哈哈

反正那﹐這就是我為什麼沒教過男友的原因啦!! 是很深入的理由吧?哈哈

但是姐妹們都開始談婚論嫁了﹐我也應該積極一點了。。。

我不要當老姑婆!!

我也沒那麼差吧? 呵呵~~

我可是未來的賢妻良母呢。。。出的了廳堂入的了大房的女孩兒好嗎!!

但我還是

相信

緣份

以前, 以後

2010-04-14T22:07:00.003-04:00

二十五歲那年(以前也不反對)﹐ 我要變成完美的女人。

Lockdown

2010-04-13T14:22:00.005-04:00

Professor: She's a dance teacher in Atlanta. She gets home from work at 9 and I just wanted to speak to her one more time. That's my story. What's yours?

House: Same thing, pretty much.

Professor: I'm gonna be dead in a few hours, your secret's gonna be safe with me. Unless you're keeping them from yourself.

House: I like being alone. At least I convince myself I am better off that way. And then I met someone, at the psychiatric hospital of all places. She changed me, and then she left. We're better off alone. We suffer alone, we die alone. Doesn't matter if you're a model husband or father of the year, tomorrow will be the same for you.

Professor: But yesterday would've been different.

Enabler

2010-04-05T21:17:00.001-04:00

"We all need some secrets. As long as they don't kill us, they keep us safe and warm."

1st Years Are Cute!

2010-04-02T02:00:00.007-04:00

This is turning into a really bad habit...phone videos! hahaha

Just finished packing to go home for the long weekend - woo!!! Who's excited? I feel like it's those type of nights where you don't sleep so you can sleep when you commute.

TARAs nomination party and Student Lounge CD release. Good combo.

So when this 1st year went up to perform, we had no clue who he was. Really doesn't matter - what a cutie! And does great cover songs. I hope he's not born in 1990 though...

Here's a clip, from when I wasn't clapping and singing along. Look for 3 of our labbies (aka TAs) sitting in the front. Awfully cute!

Mr. Bluest of Blue Eyes said he's gonna cry during graduation. (Imagine a 6'3 man, with the bluest of blue eyes crying in a grad grown.) L agreed.

Me too.

Bite, Gnaw, Flip

2010-04-01T00:05:00.009-04:00

...is how I roll up the rim when Timmie's "Roll Up The Rim" season comes around. Having a Starbucks conveniently under my building has turned me into a Starbucks girl. Since Roll Up this season, I've only had 1 drink from Timmies and it was a tea that I didn't win anything with! The Timmies in the Engineering building seems to be where everyone wins. I just can't get myself to drink anything from there even though $50,000 was won on campus last year. And a girl crossing the street today shouted out, "I won a free car!" The coffee doesn't do it (not even the triple triple), the tea is so-so and the hot chocolate is not something I'd order anyway.

Besides a little shopping, lots of eating and story sharing (and by story sharing I mean Meghan and I laughing at Luongo's gino hair and terribly fitted suit on Hockey After Dark...which we both somehow watched.) that 3/4 of the GIPs did today, Shrooms has introduced the "proper way" to roll, which I captured on the phone.

Goose and I still insist on the biting though! No sticky fingers this way.

I bought 3 timbits, which was odd to my cashier...and she ended up giving me 4? I only wanted 3! That was 57 cents well spent.

hey, what's up (to my future husband)

2010-03-30T23:20:00.016-04:00

Inspired by Ling's post, I thought I'd write a hey, what's up to my future husband. Of course her list is much more mature than mine (not because of age! cuz you know, she's forever young), but because I'm a hopeless romantic who's watched far too many brilliant Asian music videos. I can't wait for Ling's wedding. She'll be the most organized bride in wedding history, complete with spread sheets and all appointments in Google Calendar. hahah

Between girlfriends, there is always the joke of that "check list", but how many times have you learned that one looks better on paper than in real life? There are far too many jerks hiding behind the title of i-banker or beardy plaid wearing hipsters touring with their band who think every girl wants to sleep with them. Anyway, here goes - I will keep it realistic and not make myself sound like a 16-year-old.

-Be righteous. Be kind. Be funny, witty, smart.

-I laugh very loudly and often, don't be embarrassed of me.

-Be passionate about something...anything. Nothing is more attractive than talent and skill. Teach me when I ask, instead of just saying you'll do it for me.

-When we're with my girlfriends, you will be the gentleman friend everyone compliments for taking great pictures.

-When we're with your buddies, you will have "face". Lots and lots of it.

-We'll never be Brangelina. I need space.

-Love your family.

-Appreciate the simple and mundane things in life - grocery shopping at 2AM, photobooth pictures, watching trashy MTV shows together.

-You will know my secrets. Please don't tell anyone.

-Either be super lax or super OCD.

-Let me know if I'm wrong. I'm stubborn, but I can understand reasoning.

-Be worldly. I am big on trivia, Biology/Chem jokes and pop culture.

-I am a giver, so please accept when I'm being overly sweet.

-Compliment me. Encourage me. But not without reason.

-There is a fine line between asshole and being "the man". I will let you be the man.

-Be adventurous with sports. Be a good sport if I can shame you in free throws. If you don't know how to swim, I will teach you, like how I teach my kiddies.

-Don't make fun of my beliefs or faith.

-Be okay with me singing in the shower...and many other places.

-Remain humble. There is never a reason to be pompous or condescending.

-Know what failure feels like. People who've had their share of ups and downs tend to be more realistic.

-I love cooking, I enjoy doing laundry and all things domestic is fine with me, (bringing tears to feminists right about now) but can you please do the dishes?

-Kids, 3 of them, and I get to the pick names because I'm a sentimental sap. (And already have a list, come on!)

-I'm low key and low maintenance - you should be too. Don't be a cry baby when your fantasy team(s) are not doing well.

Post Nap Hindsight

2010-03-30T02:26:00.031-04:00

I think as bizarre of a relationship as I have with my parents, I really am grateful for such wonderful parents. It only gets better with age, it seems. Perhaps it's us making up the time we didn't spend together before university. My dad treats me like a 5-year-old princess even at this age. My mom says how much she sees herself in me, which I used to hate, but now it doesn't bother me. It actually makes me smirk.

At a party a few days ago, a bunch of girls were discussing marriage. It seems like I'm the only one adamant about marriage, having kids and adhering to the ideology of baby + mommy + daddy. Perhaps I'm not ambitious enough with my career choice. I'm family before career and I think a lot of girls in this industry are working toward the goal of being Producers, Directors...execs that don't have lives. When you grow up with the complex of being jealous of other girls who had their daddy's help them build a bridge in grade 6 Science class, you know the importance of having a complete family. One of the most neediest girls I know said she believes in the theory of having someone to love, but not necessarily marriage. And she's willing to be a single mother. The friend who only ever is caught wearing only dresses says she doesn't want to get married or have kids.

I get into these whirlwinds where I'm so caught up with all the stress and adrenaline of being busy that I don't keep in mind how blessed I am. It is only when I have submitted deliverables, finished finals, papers and whatever else school makes me do, that I come home, crash nap and wake up in odd hours of the morning feeling so relieved of everything.

I finally get to go home this weekend. And that makes me really happy!

One thing I've noticed about the city that it's constantly GOING. No one stops to just idle. The morning rush, the mid-morning coffee rush, the afternoon rush...it's always a rush. Stand in at Union or College or Dundas station and you'll know what I mean. Take a stroll down Bay St. and you'll see that the gentlemen in suits and girls in sexy heels are zipping by without certainty in their eyes. Walk by any campus and students are eager to either get to class or get out of class. Everyone's working toward the goal of being better than the next, looking better than that girl who you see every day in the elevator etc etc. The hustle and bustle has really worn me out.

I miss the quietness of suburbia at night.
I miss waking up to the sun shining through my window, while hearing my parents bicker in the kitchen.

I miss hearing the train at 2AM, 3AM and 5AM.
I miss going into my brother's room, rolling around his bed, bothering him and singing absurd songs while he plays guitar.

I miss eating good, home cooked food. And the smell of rice cooking at dinner time or hearing the rice cooker's switch jump up to know that dinner will be ready in no time.

I miss the keys of my piano and the sensation of the piano rug underneath my bare feet.

I miss reading in the living room, under the lamp with the smell of hardwood floors in the room.

I miss sitting on the porch after dinner and reading fliers or watching kids play outside, with a beautiful sunset and chilly breeze - perfect with a hoodie in case it gets too cold.

I miss T&T!

I miss photo dates with suburbia. And driving through Main Street...and feeling like I'm in Gilmore Girls.

I miss being able to call up Goosie and us doing random stuff. (She's now slaving over her 9-5 accounting job...) And being at Base Camp, lying in Bab's bed with the other GIPs. And us constantly thinking about what to eat next. And the in sane amount of laughing we usually do.

I miss being not afraid to dream. And being brave. And being absolutely sure about my relationship with God. And having company. And being confident in my abilities, my character, my decisions. And not being familiar in a city of 2.5 million - taking a different route every morning, looking out a different window, seeing the different side of the city and exploring with excitement. The creative poise, the conviction of what "I would be when I grow up", the direction, the map, the algorithm to happiness...they're all somewhere, I'm sure.

I'm thisssssss close to a Summer of travels and treats, much needed for inspiration and change.

RTA Roof Top

2010-03-28T15:18:00.008-04:00

Since we're restless for end of classes and reminiscing the RTA St. Patty's day party, there was an after party for the end of Advanced Studio-land. Set up at 9am, shoot till 4pm, nap for 2 hours, FNL finale in Studio A, strike set!, roooof top party, after party not at the rape cave...hahaha

M: Guys, this is our last summer!

L: (screaming) What did you say?

M: (leaning in, competing with the music) I SAID, this is our last summer!

L: Don't say that!

A: Yeah, don't say that!

Confession #2

2010-03-27T00:45:00.004-04:00

I have always been the one to carry a conversation, even with my family and good friends. Only once in my life have I been relieved of this position.

I never knew what it could feel like. Never a pause, awkward silence or uncomfortable tone.

We meet the most amazing people at the most unexpected of times.

Stage Mom

2010-03-25T01:21:00.010-04:00

Ever since I began to Tumbl(r?), there is less compulsion to write here. Between Twitter, updating on Flickr, esoteric Facebook wall posts and picture comments plus my daily mass e-mails with the GIPs, it's all a tad overwhelming.

The internet world needs to go on a break. Just a personal request, nothing too huge right?

I post on different platforms depending on which 'audience' I want to reach. Twitter started because I decided around Lent last year to give up Facebook. It was mostly friends from work who are always on the hunt for internet trends. Now most of them don't even Tweet. It's quite strange. Flickr is for the Toronto Foodies and photo nerds from far far away places. Tumblr is for the purpose of sharing hilarious stories from my Chinese parents and or whatever I'd like to Tumbl. And blogging...is more for the personal purpose of ranting because realistically, I'm sure only the handful of people I know read this. My posts make me seem absolutely crazy.

Facebook has become a joke and communication method between my parents and I. It's quite fun. It certainly has added an element to our relationship. Definitely recommend it. I write to my parents in Chinese and they respond back in a mixture. My dad said "Good ball! Thank you!" What does that mean? Not sure, but it gave me the LOLs.

Went to watch PITCHING tonight. So intense. I've been thinking of ideas for next year. It's quite intimidating because it's a make it or break it. Proud of my PITCH kids. I bought them flowers that suited each of their personalities. I could get used to being the Stage Mom.

Lots going on in my head, but am fatigued with dwelling on the things I should've done this semester. Hindsight can be quite annoying. So look forward! I find a clean apartment, clean dishes and my empty granite counter top makes me feel very organized.

Here is my clean bed:

How amazing would this have looked if it were a polaroid? (No post has been involved!) This set is apart of my final project for Reading Visuals. I have a bunch of other pretty neat photos that I will develop and weave together in a non-uniform fashion. Looking forward to actually doing it! But not so much the paper that goes along with it since it's academic and is just me BSing about the theorists. Sometimes, I wish someone would just give me the job of a gossip blogger.

Clear The Air

2010-03-13T03:17:00.013-05:00

There is nothing better than to be challenged in a conversation. To be thrown off and have to defend your character. In hindsight, hearing what you want to hear may not be the best and is definitely not indicative of progress.

Perhaps I need to be more forgiving. I am still learning despite the time lapse. A fraction of resentment, still constitutes as resentment.

I can adapt and reserve myself, but please don't ask me to be who I am not.

I can never be as compassionate as "Gigi". She is always asking about how many hours I've slept or how much water I've been drinking. Her pet name for me is "Mimi". She is always there to help when you need her. She makes happy with what she has. Most independent woman I have ever met.

I can probably never be as rational as "Nuni". She always has the heart for both sides of the story. I strongly admire her ever growing relationship with God. She deserves everything she has, that lucky girl. And much more to come.

I am your typical high strung/feed off stress kind of Type A. I need concrete answers. I absolutely need to be in control. I can be verbally aggressive and manipulative. I am able to detour blame from myself and only admit to faults that I can come to terms with. I am stubborn and will not back down. But I am honest and sincere with every word I say. Loyalty is my weakness and downfall. Fairness is my measuring cup and a kind heart is what I humbly offer.

I began to think, driving aimlessly, what is so great about each friend I have. I'm blessed to know so many great individuals who I can list a plethora of fantastic traits about. Very lucky to be surrounded by the best of the best.

I am not ~nice~ or gentle or understanding...those are not traits to describe me. Those are characteristics of the friends that I am lucky enough to have around me, to fill the void and to remind me of what being nice or understanding actually is or how its supposed to feel like. And to eventually acquire those traits even if not to the fullest degree. Getting past my initials flaws will let you see I am capable of being 'nice'.

I should go to bed. To sleep on it. Because I get into too much trouble with words.

一口家鄉話

2010-03-11T20:48:00.006-05:00

看完了<<老王同學會>>
王偉忠真是一個才子阿!
不愧是台灣的製作教父
真的很崇拜他, 佩服他, 希望將來可以和他一起合作, 拜他為師~~~

看著<<光陰的故事>>不知道為什麼有微微的難過
這就是我媽媽小時候的處境﹐也是我爺爺當軍醫的環境
我是抱著一種想更了解的心態在看
但心理卻害怕那一天只能由這些影片來懷念我爺爺
有點心酸

其實我爺爺奶奶是我的"外公外婆", 但我媽媽跟她的娘家是無法分開的
看起來, 我也遺傳到黏家的概念

聽到男主角的一口山東腔, 就讓我想起我爺爺, 讓我掉淚
我爺爺一點台語都不會, 說的就是一口家鄉話
小時候﹐很怕和爺爺聊天因為都聽不清楚他說什麼, 也不好意思問
長大以後﹐慢慢得習慣了爺爺的外省腔
可惜﹐爺爺的聽力已經漸漸衰弱,和他說話都要很大聲
也發覺和爺爺沒什麼話題了
只可以默默地坐在一起安靜得觀賞他在花園種的植物和木瓜樹

我爺爺是我的偶像, 英雄, 我們家的好榜樣
也是我認識最有上進心的人
他是軍醫退休了以後白手起家開了自己的診所
努力工作了幾十年

俗話說讀書讀到老﹐ 那就是我爺爺
到了現在﹐ 他還是每天用功學英文﹐ 寫英文作業
我爺爺的生活很有規律
每天早起做運動﹐做完運動就看報紙﹐吃早餐
接下來才是他一天的開始: 買樂透﹐看書﹐ 午睡﹐ 看英文﹐去逛街看人等等~

小時後, 我奶奶很疼我
每次都會幫我梳頭﹐讓我用她的粉撲裝大人
她還教我怎麼鋪床單, 整理客廳, 褶衣服
她懂得大體﹐注意小節
是個典型的女主人
堅強而溫柔的女主人
真的好想念她

我爺爺快要一百大壽了
爸媽也一天一天的老﹐ 也讓我一天比一天擔心
我非常恐懼沒有他們的生活
每次想到都會哭

這就是長大的殘忍...
請多多珍惜眼前的一切一切
不要後悔不迭

Step By Step

2010-03-09T21:21:00.003-05:00

Wilson: You weren't looking for some big catharsis. You didn't want to hug the guy. You just wanted to know how his head works. How he thinks.

House: Because I'm fascinated with how ministers think.

Wilson: Because you're not ordinary, House. You're way out there on the fringe somewhere. I'm your best friend and half the time I don't understand you. You're alone. Been alone your whole life. When you read that book, you were hoping, that somewhere underneath all that talk of God, there would be a way of thinking, a mind that you could recognized. You wanted what we all want.

House: The power to transform into any water based object --

Wilson: To look across the gulf and know there is someone else like you. At least tell me this. Did you find something yet?

House: Underneath the God stuff, more God stuff.

一面鏡子

2010-03-05T01:18:00.004-05:00

不管友情﹐親情或是愛情
都應該仿彿一面鏡子一樣
互相照樣
對方付出的應該不差上下
討厭一直付出的感覺
司空見慣﹐但也有點累了
重色輕友這階段真是可惡﹐可是也是幸福的指標吧
祝福祝福樓~~~
快點啦﹐本小姐的口香糖男在那裡阿? 哈哈哈
開玩笑得啦﹐我對付不了黏黏黏的男孩兒!
桃花快來找我吧﹐多多益善啊! 哈哈哈

Confession #1

2010-03-04T00:56:00.001-05:00

I don't sleep in because I'm tired. I sleep in because it's warm in my covers. And I can continue to dream.

5KM Paddle

2010-03-03T13:13:00.006-05:00

Pictures, at times, don't do justice to our senses. Most of the trees were much taller in this marina on a very high cliff. We had gotten down stream by this point. Best part is sitting idle in the canoe, floating downstream, just a little. The reflections grazing the water is unbelievable.

此刻開始

2010-03-02T21:35:00.003-05:00

發現我最近都停留在同一點
沒有進步﹐反而在園地踏步
這不是我
這也不是我要的
不能要求他人﹐只能要求自己完美
加油
不可以在說明天我會。。。
要此刻開始

Weekend Checklist

2010-03-02T01:18:00.010-05:00

Inappropriate:
-Ex-relationship photos on Facebook.
-Fathers who approve of their daughters working at Hooters.
-Dudes being obnoxious/inappropriate with hands when intoxicated. Girls crying when drunk.
-Insomnia when you're actually really tired.

Yays:
-Calendars, planning, OCD tendencies
-Disposable cameras & surprises
-Lefties & fantastic penmanship
-Clean dishes, clean laundry (the process of folding laundry), clean apartment!
-Weekend brunch & catching up
-Sunny days & awesome shoes
-Swim sessions when you're being tailed, hard.
-postcards mailed from friends who think of me
-my family, good friends, GIPs
-serendipity & butterflies

gold CANADA gold

2010-03-01T23:40:00.006-05:00

After the Canadian boys got their gold medal, someone txted, "Party on the streets!" We ran out to Yonge/Dundas, not before having moments with complete strangers on the street. I have never been at a more crazy celebration than last night, and I've gone to a few ridiculous hipster parties.

Before the ENG705 midterm started today, L scoffed, "I thought to myself, in 10 years, will you remember this midterm or the hockey game?" The entire hungover class woo'd in agreement.

Whaaaaaaat a night.

metamorphose

2010-02-27T20:21:00.008-05:00

Remorse

2010-02-24T01:16:00.001-05:00

Why'd you do that?

Because he's pathetic.

He hasn't changed. But you have. Treatment actually worked on your brain. If you were still a pyscho path, you would've just kept draining him dry.

What do you want?

You're feeling something. What is it? What do you feel?

I don't know. But it hurts.

It will.

Xerox Girl Pt. 2

2010-02-23T15:23:00.001-05:00

Will Hayes: Will you... um... marry me?

April: No. What do you mean, 'Will you, um, marry me?' I haven't seen you in weeks! You don't look happy or excited about the prospect of our marriage! You're asking me to give up my - my freedom, my joie de vivre for an institution that fails as often as it succeeds? And why should I marry you anyway? I mean, why do you wanna marry me? Besides some bourgeois desire to fulfill an ideal that society embeds in us from an early age to promote a consumer capitalist agenda?

Will Hayes: Oh! Oh, my God.

April: You should've got on your knee.

Will Hayes: Just shut up! Here - I wanna marry you because you're the first person I wanna look at when I wake up in the morning, and the only one I wanna kiss goodnight. Because the first time that I saw these hands, I couldn't imagine not being able to hold them. But mainly, when you love someone as much as I love you, getting married is the only thing left to do. So, will you, um, marry me?

April: Definitely. Maybe.

Vlogging + the longest PMS rant

2010-02-20T20:11:00.027-05:00

I finally did it. I've stepped into the vlogging world by doing a short vlog, inspired by my brother and 'therichardchannel', where he posts his guitar covers on Youtube. It takes up a lot of time though when you don't have a built in webcam on the lappy because you still need to capture the footage - and in real time. (I know, I live in the 2003 desktop world...and used something that records onto miniDV tapes. Quite ridic. My brother uses the new canon that records marvelous video. My DSLR doesn't have video function, unfortunately.) I'll find sometime to post it after this week. Approaching Hell Week of Spring semester so be ready for lots of blogging. Cuz you know, I blog when I'm supposed to get work done.

I also recently developed 3 disposables cameras. Why are they so expensive? It costs about $8 to get 1 disposable onto a CD and that's without pictures. But so worth it. Film is always more precious. It's a nice surprise to see what comes out.

Annnnd I've been watching Olympic coverage for about 9 hours a day, on 3 different channels. (On the 1st day of the games, I switched between the 3 channels broadcasting the Olympics and also caught the "Intervention" marathon. Hells yeah I did.)It's Reading Week, I can do all the non-work and lounging around that I want. Every university student knows the week back from Reading Week is the hell week. We kind of just anticipate it coming and enjoy the break as much as possible. Although I've been doing some work, here and there when I can.

I've concluded that I'm not good at being a Producer. I'm too passive aggressive and I'm too type A to delegate jobs and wait patiently. Also too much of a perfectionist. My motto has always been: If you want it done, do it yourself.

I started speaking to myself while driving to the gym. Is that odd? I feel like I'm so honest when I talk to myself. Epiphany for sure - about transitioning into adulthood and why I'm stuck in the purgatory stage. Maybe I'll vlog it. And with the 3 times that I tried to make the '1st vlog', I found that the 1st take is always the best - most honest and sincere. I don't want my vlogs to turn into something made for others, but rather just a substitute for typing on my part.

Dark chocolate mini eggs are so dangerous.

I like details in writing. But sometimes not.

Okay, this entry really sucks and is pretty pointless.

Since when did Canadian hockey boys become so attractive?

I've de-activated Facebook. Did this when Lent rolled around last year and it decreased my interest dramatically. Doing it again this year just because I feel like there are a few things I need to change about myself - not really sure what yet. Something just doesn't feel right and I'm working out the kinks one social media site at a time. (Just kidding, about the social media site part.) Watching the "Intervention" marathon, the show always pushed for the root cause of the addiction. The subject always told their back story:how a PTA mom turned into an alcoholic who started drinking mouth wash if her family didn't give her alcohol, how an Olympic athlete became obsessed with meth and was DQ'd out of the sport, how a motor cross racer became homeless and addicted to cocaine etc etc. There was always a HOW...a story and a reason.

I'm hoping my 4 month vacation in the Summer will give me some inspiration and answers. Although it is a family trip...so you know my parents will be bickering and I will be upset over silly minute details. Perhaps it's the "3rd Year Blues"/"really I'm supposed to be in 4th year Blues" - is there even such a thing? I'm hearing about all the wonderful things other people are doing, places they are going, jobs they are getting, people they are seeing, exchanges they are going on, pictures they are showing off, Olympic hoodies that they got and I stupidly did not get...just don't want to hear about that right now. Selfishly, I want to avoid that right now.

Many times, I've questioned if there is anything that I am passionate about. Olympic athletes, whether snowboarding or figure skating or speed skating, dedicate their lives to their sport. They train hard, focus on a goal and go for it, disregarding failures and embracing it as a lesson learned. And there are journalists who've gone to j-school, done the stint at the local paper and have broke onto the scene. And even gossip bloggers, who frankly anyone can perform as a job, have laid their own path by taking advantage of social media and the explosion of internet PR. I still remember when I was the Ghost Tweeter for NIGHT IT UP! Toronto(@night_it_up) in July 2009...there were only a handful of people who understood Twitter and took advantage of it. Only a select niche was using it as a form of communication and those select few seem to have abandoned it and moved onto Tumblr. (Why is it that the indie kids always know what's the next coolest thing? Trend hunters take note: befriend an indie kid.) And look at Twitter now. Almost every knows about it, even my almost-to-senior-citizen status Chinese parents. Celebrities tweet. Oprah's team tweets. PR companies tweet. John Mayer obviously tweets. The Real_Steve_Nash posts pictures via Twitpic. Sean Avery tweets about the newest pictures he posted on his blog. And right now, the CTV Olympic coverage team tweet like crazy. I couldn't have ever fathomed how big Twitter would be getting in just a short year.

So besides this being a PMS post, I seem to have been talking to myself in my head a lot.

What am I motivated by? What are my goals, short term and long term? Where am I in the process? Coming from a family with incredibly successful cousins, they've gone to incredibly prestigious universities in the States and Canada. I've strangely never felt the pressure to measure up to them. It's okay that I was the BioChem drop out who became the "art student". It's okay that I didn't become the doctor I always thought I would be and continue the family of doctor's legacy left behind by The Elders. It's okay because my cousins fill the quota of being the dentist, lawyer, consultant, engineer. Or a MBA at Stanford after quitting the Microsoft gig or get a Stanford PhD while working at Yahoo or become the World Rubix Cube champion or do Latin at Yale or Astrophysics at CalTech or some degree at Princeton or buy a beach house in Florida - all of which have overshadowed me, but never bothered me because I thought I knew what I wanted to do. To be a Director or Producer...to do something "different" and do something that I love. My problem is I don't know what that something is right now. Under performing was okay because I did not take it personally or even process it.

The D-word and P-word have become cringe worthy in my dictionary, just like "meh" and "FML", 2 words that have been abused by their respective generations (meh: circa 2002, FML: circa mid 2009) and have become annoying as fuck.

Nobody expected anything out of me when I surprised them by being the prodigy child. And when they did sanction expectations upon me, I couldn't achieve it. It wasn't pressure - just timing of everything was off. (refer to decade posts) The disappointment wasn't verbal or ever expressed, but innately I still haven't gotten over what I wasn't able to achieve. (Yeah I did, an "Intervention" analysis.)

I've got my GRE books, I've done some grad school research...I just need some luck and clear goals. Everyone needs luck. Boarders need the snow to be perfect. Skaters need the ice to be just right. Hockey teams need to win that shoot out after regulation time. And timing...where would people be without perfect timing? Being at the right place at the right time, as always being said is the catalyst to success. Where would Twitter be now, without the emerging popularity of Blackberries and iPhones?

And what about connections and being phony? Can I be proved wrong of this pessimistic theory that society works on personal connections? And being in Toronto, we're also all about attractiveness, especially in the media industry. My lawyer cousin recently came to visit from Ottawa and commented on how phony and materialistic Toronto is compared to Ottawa. He said, after telling me about his new gym routine, "You should know how important looking good is. You're in the media industry." I would've liked to call that bullshit, but I simply cannot when such is true.

I've always been very put off by Western media and the the under representation of Asians in the industry. (And the most ridiculous and bullshit nepotism I've experienced when it comes to internships.) That's why I've never thought about working in North America, let alone have the naive response of "I want to move to LA or NYC to become a Director or Producer" that many of my fellow classmates have. My goal has always been set to contribute to the Motherland and Motherland's Motherland. (Whoa, stepping into green-blue politics!) And I've had this discussion with Mother&Co, when I stubbornly told her I never want to work in North America...because the reality is, no Asian (even if you're CBC) is going to survive the media circuit in NA. Yes, we're multicultural and this is 2010, but my own experiences have really disappointed me. I don't want to be a fucking "Executive Assistant" (aka secretary) after years of school. I don't have time to be the "Coffee Bitch" and start out low at some big corporate channel that doesn't even acknowledge my existence and appreciate the free slave labour. And no, I don't appreciate yellow fever cuz it's usually the creepiest of creeps or those white people that have taught English in some Asian country and "fallen in love with the culture".

Very recently, the-could-be-almost yesterday, I became ashamed at this stubbornness. How is it that I'm writing opportunities off and not even challenging them? I've been deleting e-mails from our program liason that have ~internship~ in the title because I have had such terrible experiences with 4/5 that I've had.(This # doesn't reflect the ones where I never got a call back.) Many potential leads are being deleted by me because of the -ve attitude that I have, with the -ve attitude being: "Fuck internships and bitch work because I don't need this reference on my resume since my China boss won't even care when I have a masters degree and know that I can speak Mando and Canto and read both traditional and simplified Chinese and that I know how to DoP, edit, write, do docs, produce, light, do all aspects of studio, audio etc etc etc." (Too much RTA pride. Tis a love/hate relationship.) I've tried to climb the ladder and it hasn't worked. Is this because I'm Chinese and don't know how to flirt with the boss? Probably. Do I really want to work in NA that badly? Not really. But at the same time, after this mentality of not putting anymore effort into the NA industry, I'm seeing people around me get amazing internships at places I wish I were. What am I doing wrong? Am I not bullshitting enough on my resume? Is it because I didn't add a fellow internship co-ordinator on Facebook and wish them a Happy Birthday? I don't even know.

I'm a big procrastinator and my friends know this when we have papers due, but I get shit done. I'll do it last minute, but I never allow myself to hand papers or assignments in late and I never allow myself to do an assignment or produce a show without putting in 100% effort. I never let myself down. Being embarrassed of my work and thinking I didn't try my best makes me absolutely furious. And I guess in a way, this negative attitude is like me not even trying. It's definitely sparked my interest in staying in North America and testing it out. It's a possibility now, whereas before I completely refused.

There is a reason to everything, the how and why part of "Intervention". (I'm a Science geek at heart and thrive on concrete answers.) Therefore, there is a reason why this post is so aggressive. I can't quite put a finger on it yet. (**Actually, I realized while washing my hands that it's the transfer of frustration of how irresponsibles others are to me at this point. See, I procrastinate by blogging when I have major project deadlines.) It's what I'm trying to realize and change, as a short term self-improvement goal. My brain needs to re-wire itself with lala-land endorphins, journals need to be filled out, I need to figure some things out, perhaps talk to myself in a vlog and try not to leave the impression that I'm an absolute pyscho by the end of this entry. Ummmmmm, too late?

Please tell me I'm not the only person who's dissecting their quarter life crisis in extremely bizarre ways, like angry blog entries and talking aloud to themselves.

Stop

2010-02-08T02:30:00.001-05:00

One day, I will probably stop blogging.

I always seem to end up blogging when I need to rush a paper...like right now, a paper is due for tomorrow morning and a call sheet needs to be sent to my entire production crew sometime before the sun comes up etc etc. But all I want to do is browse recipes for red wine sangrias.

I'm not a writer at all. I'm a story teller, a post card scribbler, a gossip girl, a journal collector...just not a writer.

One day, if it ever happens, I want to publish my blog into a memory-book and delete myself from the internet history.

摩登的成功女人

2010-02-08T01:51:00.002-05:00

摩登的成功女人要怎麼來面對人生的三十歲?
要怎麼擁有一切 -- 事業﹐愛情﹐小孩﹐家庭﹐自我空間﹐朋友/姐妹?
要做個好媽媽﹐好老婆
同時﹐也要實現自己的夢想﹐拒絕做男人旁邊的花瓶
兩個人在一起﹐最重要的就是你的 "他" 可以讓你做自己
萬一在兩個人裡失去了自己﹐就會很難回頭了

小鳥依人

2010-02-08T01:29:00.002-05:00

我覺得再怎麼堅強﹐能幹﹐聰明﹐成功的女人
也會渴望可以小鳥依人的時候
可以讓她撒嬌﹐甜言蜜語嗲嗲聲的一個大男人
這不是一個懦弱的坦誠
只是天真的感覺
也是自古以來所有女人被寵的一個權利
是社會推的觀念﹐男生給女生的理所當然嬌寵慣例

爭氣

2010-02-03T02:16:00.004-05:00

希望以後我的快樂不是建立在他人對我的"好"或"懷"
這一個人可以帶我飛上天堂﹐同時也可以讓我跌到谷底
算了
我不稀罕

爭氣一點吧

Asking Santa For 3 Wishes

2010-01-31T13:32:00.007-05:00

This was an assignment from Grade 8 for Mandarin Class. This is the year I met Chen Yaoyian Laoshi. I was lucky to be taught by the most benevolent woman on earth - no exaggeration.

The Joys of Hoarding

2010-01-31T13:05:00.007-05:00

A couple of nights ago, returning to my parents home, I went searching for my passport in my room. In my memory, it had never left my room after I returned from the reading week trip last year. And I was right - after a few minutes of forcing my memory to work hard, I found it! And lots of other treasures too! (A joyous shock went through my body when I found my grade 8 Valedictoria speech. It's the only hard copy I have since I saved it on the now obsolete floppy disk!)

I am a big hoarder. I keep all momentos, notes, letters, cards, tourist tickets, movie stubs, event wrist bands...and school assignments that I am proud of. Seems like I had a lot of them in elementary school.

I am so glad I've kept some of these things. I used to write a lot of poems when I was an angry pre-teen. Now that I read some of them, they are absolutely shocking because a) they are so sad b) very well written for a 12 or 13-year-old c) made me who I am today. And then there are journal entries that make me so embarassed because of how I love Justin Bieber I sound. (for me it was I love BSB and The Moffatts)

A "scanned" series will be started because I want to share some of these old memories. It's quite personal, but that's one of my goals for this year - to let others know more about me.

I believe this was written in grade 1 or 2. For a period of time, I was obsessed with drawing picture frames.

夏天

2010-01-26T20:26:00.004-05:00

亞呼! 回台灣的飛機票已經訂了~~~

5/27 飛台灣
7/18 大陸行開始
8/11 上海飛回台灣
8/27 飛回多倫多

急躁

2010-01-22T00:25:00.006-05:00

現在心情非常急躁
決定了要讀碩士就好像我的頭腦要我的人去繼續這個過程
我本來就是個急性子的女孩兒
可是此刻好像變得更嚴重
我的心就是定不下來
一直跳跳跳﹐腦子一直轉轉轉!
要到達那個地方﹐那個階段
不是一年後﹐是現在...NOW.
看到央視的工作有在請人(而且是我符合的條件!!!) 真的好想趕快書讀讀﹐業畢一畢﹐趕快飛到大陸去

天阿﹐我可以不要那麼急嗎?
我不想把這段時間的隨隨便便得過﹐ 可是我真的很不耐煩了!!!
我好渴望變化﹐新奇的事務﹐陌生的路﹐不熟悉得臉孔。。。
就是喜歡我這鼓衝勁和勇敢
可是有離實在的時間還有一年
好煩阿!!!!!!!!!

不﹐我需要面壁思過﹐去隱密的地方練功吧。。。哈哈哈
我知道這學期很快就會過去了
就咬著牙把它好好努力得完成吧 - 加油加油加油!!
你可以的~~

好歹也讓我把這心情抒發出來
可能寫下來就會讓心靜一點 (actually, 並沒有好嗎。。。哈哈)
我可以說昔日來﹐我的心情超亂的: 看連續劇亂哭﹐下了課就想回家一個人﹐也沒什麼毅力要去上課。。。
不可以了!!!!!
明天我要早睡早起﹐樂觀主義去完成這學期
不可以在自暴自棄﹐那麼悲觀在面對現實
加油加油加油!!
錢彥霖﹐你可以的!

Duck

2010-01-19T21:41:00.003-05:00

...needs to be eaten like this.

http://www.flickr.com/photos/28551002@N06/

for Christmas dinner food pics.

Happy Birthday, lucky girl.

2010-01-19T13:25:00.022-05:00

It's really strange how this memory is what I have of when I think of my birthday. My parents didn't buy me a cake this year, which is really unlikely of birthdays in our family. Perhaps my mom was too busy with her Happy Farm on Facebook and my dad too occupied with planning our 4 month Asia trip. But totally okay with me even if this is the last memory of a birthday cake.

January 31, 2009

The sun was glistening through my bedroom windows and I knew it was fast approaching noon. Twisting and turning, wiggling into the first stretch of the day, I hop out of bed and skip down the stairs only to find my dear old father in the kitchen, with his reading glasses on, trying to find vintage birthday decor and excitedly reporting to me the plans he had for me today. I had a party to go to that night, but I couldn't leave him. I couldn't ruin the party he had set up. Internally, I debated which was more important to me and the simplest answer was to stay and celebrate with my family.

Every year, my dad would send me a birthday card. After opening it, I would always run up to my room and read it over and over again, until finally setting it down on my bedside table so it would be the first thing I see the next morning. Sometimes there would be stickers, sometimes there would be long distance phone calls. Regardless, it just wasn't the same without him there. I had been Daddy's Girl and Daddy's only baby...now I had to share with a newborn brother? And 2 cousins? And be in such a foreign place? This wasn't my home, this wasn't where I belonged. It took me a couple of years to adjust to having only a mother to report to...and a mother I thought didn't pay any attention to me.

Before moving, it was just us - mommy, daddy and baby. We lived in our utopia and I think spoiled isn't even the word that comes close to how I was treated. I was the baby of the cousins, the baby that lived with the Nanny and was picked up only on the weekends, but when it was time to be together, it was just us. To them, I was the most precious gift, ever. It's as if we, the 3 of us, just lived in this closed circuit snow globe of happy happy joy joy all day. Flipping through some of the older photo albums in my basement, I realized what a happy child I was....smiley, laughy and so much character. I hope that's what I'm still perceived to be now because the teenage rebellion phase makes me so embarassed.

With a handful of disappointing birthdays, I quickly learned to ignore the day. Birthday's didn't/don't really mean a lot to me. I'm not a girl who plans elaborate parties and buys a special dress for the occassion. I never was and probably never will be. I prefer Christmas, where my family flies back and we play board games around the Christmas tree, have a reunion dinner and just enjoy the time we spend together. Being a sentimental sap, I'm all about making good memories.

It's heart warming that my dad treats me like a 5-year-old even till this day. I guess once Daddy's Girl, always Daddy's Girl.

Whenever I go back to school, my dad drops me off at the bus stop, parks the car and waits at the bus shelter with me. I always tell him it's not necessary, but he insists, warming my heart and making me feel terribly guilty at the same time.

He carries all my baggage and waits in line for me as I wait in the warm shelter.
He walks in front of me, clearing the snow path and testing out the slippery routes.
He puts my hood on for me, to avoid the cold gusty winds at night.
He makes sure I get on the bus before leaving, always waving at me and gesturing for me to call home when I get back downtown.
He calls me almost every day, even if it's to say the same thing because he thinks I'll forget to turn off the stove or lock the doors at night.

As I lit both the candles, the number 2 and 1 that were facing me backward, my dad asked if I wanted a happy birthday song. I embarrassingly declined, but he started out on a solo. While everyone and myself included, burst into laughter, internally I was having the best birthday with my dad that I could remember. Once Daddy's Girl, always Daddy's Girl...even at 21.

Happy Birthday, lucky girl.

.

2010-01-18T02:12:00.007-05:00

So I'm in this weird place right now...that I feel I need to get over. Perhaps a lull attributed to the eternal greyness Toronto is experiencing? It's this feeling of impatience and eagerness. And I figure blogging it would make it more real, hence making me realize that I need to get over it. It will be deleted once I communicate this between the external me and the internal me.

I worked really hard last semester and did the best I could (actually, that's a lie - I would say I put in a 93% on a the effort scale) and I'm just really sick and tired of school. It's bad, I know because everyone is telling me to enjoy student life before the real world hits. For the past 3 years, I've been blessed to be going to school for something I love, instead of doing chem labs and bitching in the library while on study breaks. But I'm itching to try new things, to be challenged in different ways and honestly, I fucking hate writing papers that are marked by (some, namely just one bad experience) bullshit professors. Writing papers is actually an art to be learned, a structure to be followed - almost like sucking up, which I never learned how to do. I understand that I attend an institution of post secondary education, but seriously, writing a paper on childhood in literature when all I want to do is make a music video of my life? Sorry, I'm PMSing hard. And I'm sorry I have bad English!

Today I cleaned and scrubbed many places in my apartment that I have never cleaned before. It felt so good (and smelled so good thanks to the Mr. Clean Magic Eraser infused with Febreeze. Probably deadly to my lungs and brain cells.) I felt like I was cleaning it for someone else to move in and I would be moving out. It's the same feeling I got when I packed up my room in my parent's house before I left for YorkU, thinking I'd never sleep in that room again. The excitement of looking forward to something new was sparked again. It was quite magical.

I'm looking forward to Summer vacation with an earnest heart. I usually need an international airport fix every year and last year I didn't get it, leaving me to reason with myself as to why I'm itching to just zoom through this semester.

Impatience is probably why I'm not feeling this semester, even though it's only been a week. Sometime between the end of last semester and the beginning of this one, I made a semi plan for myself. I haven't had a plan in 3 years...and now that I have one, all I want to do is GO FOR IT. I know the order, the procedure, the options...now just let me get to it.

I pray that I'm blessed with patient and a humble heart.

30 Facts About Me

2010-01-12T17:36:00.006-05:00

So I took a nap after dinner...bad idea because I woke up groggy and have not fallen asleep since. The sun is about to come up. It's nearing 6am and the construction in a busy downtown core is about to start very soon. But I'm letting myself stay waste time because tomorrow is a pure errand-running day.

I should tell the internet world more about myself. If I actually have readers, I feel like we should make some kind of connection. It's not easy to follow someone's blog with interest. It's actually quite special. So thank you, to those ambiguous readers out there if you exist. Shroomie has said she reads this when she feels like she wants to check up on me and 'know what I'm thinking'. I've seen Babs print out posts that make her smile. And Goosie has gotten Mommers to read her my Chinese entries, which is quite embarassing! And then there's Dr. Yee, who also follows my life via these entries. And Paddy sometimes leaves me nice comments and I bombard her with comments instead of texts. Originally, this blog started out as a way I could talk to myself, so to speak. But with friends reading, I have started to re-think some of my entries, which isn't necessarily a bad thing because I have slowly started to try opening up to them 100%. It really isn't in me to do so, but I'm learning. But for complete strangers reading, who actually have been following my blog, thank you...and perhaps say hi? I definitely lurk and read many blogs online, which makes me feel like I actually know the writer. Kind of neat, no?

This list is actually pretty telling.

1) I name all my files and folders on the computer in capital letters.

2) If I take a nap and wake up between the hours of 8pm and 11pm, I feel even more disoriented, guilty and groggy.

3) Till this day I am deathly afraid of having my fingers cut by ice skates. I always picture myself sitting in the changeroom, lacing up my skates and that the length between my nuckle and my nail would get severed accidentally by someone walking by with their skates on.

4) I have a good photographic memory, but a weak short term memory. I'm good at memorizing shapes, colours and details.

5) In one night, I can have 3 or more separate dreams, usually lucid in nature. I can wake up, be aware of the "real" world and hop back into bed to continue the dream.

6) I'm a home body. I'm an old lady. I like being at home. I prefer sitting on the porch and reading versus a weekend drunkfest, although those are much needed once in a while. Being a home body, I don't mind living alone or being alone for long periods of time. I cannot watch TV with another person in the same room...seriously.

7) I've wanted to be: a Babysitter's Club series writer, Olympic swimmer, Cardiologist.

8) I like reading maps.

9) Not skilled in a particular area, but competent in most, which mesmerizes me when someone is knowledgeble or talented with 1 particular thing.

10) There's an algorithm to how I wash my dishes, brush my teeth etc...I'm a little OCD with rules, order and control.

11) My English is awful because I think too much in Mandarin.

12) There was a period when I was in grade 3 or 4 when I read a million books each week. Then I stopped.

13) I have a very low laugh point and find the ordinary funny enough.

14) I don't think anyone knows me that well, not even my GIPs.

15) I have an obsessive personality. I will be entranced for ~3 days and then lose interest completely.

16) I feel selfish when I see so many "I"s in this note.

17) I am a "bros from day one, bros till the end" type of bro.

18) I'm a sucker for nostalgia and have many throwback boxes, as I like to call them.

19) Neediness in a relationship will turn me away. Fast.

20) My straight foward, say-what-I-think personality used to get me in trouble all the time, especially in elementary and HS.

21) I secretly love singing, but am too shy to do it in public.

22) I live my life by the clock, in 15/30 minute chunks.

23) I do the double or triple jump when putting on jeans.

24) When Disney's Pocahontas came out, I wanted to be Pocahontas. I bought the bedsheets set and grew my hair till my waist. My Chinese mom insisted on perming it. My father is full Hani - 1 of the 52 minorities of China (think First Nations People of Canada, but in China), which I thought could raise me to a 'Pocahontas' status. Unfortunately, I didn't inherit my father's grey-blue rimmed eyes!

25) I recently had a serendipitous encounter. And I can't stop thinking about the 'what ifs'. In a city of 2.5 million, we've probably brushed by each other more than we know. It's a big world, but also a small world.

26) I'm most productive between the hours of 1AM - 4AM, when it's pitch black and dead silent out.

27) I'm stuck in the purgatory of "local/fob" and "banana". I absolutely enjoy this! I have a radio show on campus radio called "I'M NOT A BANANA", playing English songs by Asian artists and most Mando music I feel like playing. And I talk about my fobby parents. And how Chinese families don't have drinking glasses, but only free mugs from travel agencies or tutoring places.

28) I enjoy suburban treats like the sound of rain rustling the leaves on the grapevine, having laundry flutter in the wind on the laundry line and purple/red sunsets. The concrete jungle jades you way too much.

29) I recognize places by their airports and have been on far too many cross Pacific, 19+ hour aeroplane rides.

30) I'm scared of the quarter life crisis and mice.

My Favourite Book

2010-01-12T05:14:00.001-05:00

Tuesday, January 10, 2006

"Lost love is still love. It takes a different form, that's all. You can't see their smile or bring them food or tousle their hair or move them around a dance floor. But when those senses weaken, another heightens. Memory. Memory becomes your partner. You nurture it. You hold it. You dance with it."

18 Year Old Nomad Wannabe

2010-01-12T05:11:00.000-05:00

Thursday, December 07, 2006

不知道耶
好想跳過謀些生活階段
變成一個大人
過我要的生活
天天彈鋼琴
彈出音樂給得故事
環遊世界
看到世界的每一個美麗腳落
照相
留下我所看到的回憶

就這麼簡單

簡簡單單過開心的日子

無憂無慮

也許吧

這就是我的目標

The Decade Post Part 2 (2004-2010)

2010-01-04T23:51:00.006-05:00

2004-2005 Grade 11:
This was a critical year. I needed those good grades. I needed to get into UofT, get into Med School and become a doctor - to continue what I'm supposed to do. But that didn't happen. I was taking Calculus in grade 11, a class filled with grade 12s that were sneaky and would cheat on tests by asking the period before us what was on the test. I became more jaded, but realized this and tried to grow up, telling myself that patience will be good for me.

I was working at the pool and loved earning my own money. I didn't have to ask my aunt for spending money. By having a part time job, I also felt more grown up. And I didn't have to be in the house as much. The friendships made at the pool were great.

By this time, the crew at school was having big time drama, something not new to us. (Laguna Beach was written after us, seriously.) Somehow, we all thought we were really mature at this age, dealing with friendship problems like this. In the summer, she was going on vacation, but wanted to know why everyone was ignoring her. I told her the truth and told her she was being a bad friend to the Millies, not really understanding how it could affect the relationship we've had since kindegarten. She had been my best friend since kindegarten, and now she wasn't anymore.

Claudia invited me to TC again. She also brought me in grade 10, and even though I had a great time, a big part of it was due to the spiritual high you get when you're at a church conference. This time it was different, although sort of the same. I saw many familiar faces and although I didn't go to church regularly, the Asian community is quite small in the 905. Friends of friends were introduced. TC rules were laughed at...and even though it literally is still an avenue that high schoolers go to meet girls/boys, it made an impact on the character I am today.

I usually didn't care for worship time. My maternal family was Christian, but not everyone was devoted. I still remember the worship song that made me bawl non-stop. Before this, I was non-emotional, almost to the point of being afraid to show any emotion. I was strong, right? If no one was going to be there for me, I would have to be there for myself. All my life, I had been a child growing up independently.

When I was an infant, my parents would send me to my babysitter for the week and pick me up for a playdate on the weekends. I was 3 years old, and knew that when the clock was a vertical line, that it meant 6PM and that my mom would be at the door, picking me up. Any movement outside the door and I would ask "Mommy, is that you?"

I had always a negative feeling toward this God person, and why He was being so terrible to me. It just wasn't fair. Did I not deserve anything good in my short life of 17 years?

But as we were praying during worship, asking God to take away all our burdens and to help us with our problems, I was bawling non-stop. Every word in that song related to me. Every note hit me like God was speaking to me. I was having my moment with God. I could feel it.

I didn't care how others viewed me. God had helped me realize why I was hurting and why I was so angry. Miraculously, all this anger was gone. I knew I could depend on one person and that would be God. He would be there for me unconditionally, something I desperately needed at the moment. My Grandma had left us. My mom was half the world away from me. My best friend since kindegarten now didn't speak to me because I was truthful with her...and being the stubborn person I am, I insisted on sticking to what I believed in, not giving compromise a chance. I was a 'BLACK OR WHITE' child - there was no room for compromises.

During the last night of worship, my team lead prayed for me. Tears were rolling down my cheeks, streaming all the bitterness I was finally able to let go. I had found a release. Finally, I understood everything happens for a reason, and that in the end, God has a path for you. I wasn't bitter anymore. I was ecstatic and relieved to have this burden, this angst and blame taken away from me. Instantaneously, my heart was light again. I had a purpose in life and it wasn't up to me, which felt good to be taken care of, so to speak.

At school, academics were still disappointing and I still felt like I had been betrayed by friends that went back on their words, even though I hadn't done anything. But atleast now I knew all things happen for a reason. There was no reason to be afraid of what was coming.

I started becoming very close with the GIPs. We grew up together, during our weekly Chinese school Saturdays. And even though we only saw each other once a week, similar family backgrounds brought us together. I believe we started e-mailing each other like crazy! And we still do today! I am so thankful to have these girls in my life. I believe God sends angels to surround you at times you need it the most. The 3 of them have definitely filled that place for me.

2005-2006 Grade 12:
This was the final push. If my top 6 marks were good enough, I was going to be UofT bound, Med school somewhere in the distance and a doctor to live up to all the cousins that were brilliant. But I couldn't do it. I took Calculus twice, in hopes of getting a higher mark. I used to be good at this stuff, what's the deal?

I was spoiled, in terms of material. I just got my G2 and my parents bought me a new Acura CSX. It was my car and I was able to leave right after school, instead of loitering in the atrium with THE USUALS.

I didn't feel like I had true friends at school, but it didn't bother me. I was going to have a backbone and stick to my word. I hadn't done anything wrong - it's not my loss, it's yours. At the time, I felt like sooner or later, the others would realize what the truth was. I was seen as the bad guy, but that's fine. Forgiveness is what God teaches right? I had to forgive and see past the present...I had to be the bigger person. All in right timing, my bestest friends became the GIPs. We could tell Mando-Chinglish jokes with each other and had a bond that was (and still is) immeasurable.

My mom finally returned to Toronto, bringing with her 2 bratty, spoiled cousins who were now going to live with us. My dad finally retired and came to Canada. Again, this sense of putting others before her own children drove me up the walls. The cousins were trouble and my mom was not admitting to it. This was another bottom pit for me, even after realizing everything happened for a reason.

On the last day of OUAC submissions, Cherry handed me a RTA pamphlet. She said I'd be really good for it and it wouldn't hurt to apply. Not really knowing what the program was about, I added it to my shopping cart on OUAC. Same with Ryerson Journalism because I once wanted to be a writer. In the days that I used to read "The Babysitter's Club", I wanted to be a writer. I dreamed of writing novels and wrote many short stories on my own time.

OUAC was the site everyone checked everyday to see if they got acceptances or not. Nuni had made it into her dream school at Schulich, which no one doubted, and many others would boast about their acceptances as well. UTSG rejected me, but offered me UTSC. I wanted to go to MAC, to get away from it all, but my parents didn't see their programs as being worth it.

I was waitlisted for Ryerson RTA and Ryerson Journalism, both programs that weren't on my list of going to anyway. Still, it was a boost of confidence to know my essays got me into such competitive programs.

At this point, my parents were scared I wasn't going to get into any schools. And I was super paranoid as well.

Finally, I chose to go to YORKU, to tough out the Science scene. If I did well in my undergrad, ace my MCATs, the doctor dream could still live on.

I started using Facebook, when it was only for University students because the GIPs were now all finishing their 1st year at university and we would also keep in touch that way. None of my friends in high school had it yet.

Varsity swim team was fun. I worked at the pool Friday nights, all day Saturday and all day Sunday, leaving no time for homework because I was tired from teaching all the little tots!

I think I did co-op at Markham Stoufville Hospital either this year or in grade 11.

Really, grade 12 was a blur for me because I hated it. I wanted it to pass by without really remembering it. And I think I achieved that. I half assed my position of Co-Chief Editor of the school paper and tried to do as many extracurriculars as possible, without really putting 100% of my effort.

--> 1st year YORKU, 1st year Rye, 2nd year, 3rd year to follow

The Decade Post Part 1 (1999-2004)

2010-01-04T22:16:00.018-05:00

I'm quite dated with this post, considering it's already January 4th 2010. However, after becoming quite sick of watching MTV News' decade lists and reading NOW's decade lists, perhaps it is also time I blog an ode to the decade that has taught me about "life" as it is.

Life is like math. The older you get, the more rules and algorithms and formulas you know ...and the more restrictions need to be considered when trying to figure out the math problem. Or in more geeky terms, life can also be like the Cell Cycle and all the steps in Glycolysis. In grade 9 you learn that it exists as a term. In grade 12 BIO you learn the minute steps and some of the enzymes. In 1st year you learn the enzymes in details that drive you insane. And then I decided that being a doctor wasn't for me, switching into being an Art/Media student.

So I guess I will list chronologically in years -

1999-2000 Grade 6:
I remember the moment it became the year 2000 on our old school CRT TV. I took a picture on my mom's Minolta film camera of the fireworks they were showing in Paris. It was the Y2K afterall, and secretly, I was hoping for the power to go out and the bank ATMs to go crazy the next day.

Ryan's mom, who was rumoured to be a stripper, came to our gymnastics class one day. How this could've happened, I'm not even sure. She wore tight leggings and a short revealing top. Hmmm...All the 12 year old boys loved it though. No lack of giggles.

Ryan was also crazy for K. He wore a full suit on Valentines day, with roses and presents for K. She obviously didn't like him. 6th grade was the year of dances/"relationships"/"couples" and the year that boys in 7th grade were dreamy, which meant the 8th grade boys were hot off the scales.

2000-2001 Grade 7:
Ah, 7th grade. We had the new teacher, Mr. Sang, as our homeroom and he was the 'young, hip, cool' teacher. He was also our music teacher and would give us a thumbs up sign on a piece of paper at the conductor stand after we successfully played The Star Wars theme at school concerts. First flute for life!

He also did these exercises, called 3 minute lists, where he gave us a topic and the person who listed off the most items would win a small prize - most of the time some type of chocolate. What use this was in academia, I'm not sure, but it must've been because it was the cool teacher that he got away with it.

K also had a huge crush on him!

A boy named Sajithan lived in the first house next to the school. He sat in my table of 5 in our homeroom. It was a year that had Olympics, so we were seated in clusters of tables that were named after countries. It was time to go up to the front of the class to present out book report. I had done mine on some Christopher Pike vampire book and made this venn diagram that had a flap in the middle and the user was able to turn it like a wheel, revealing the characteristics of the protagonist. I also wrote letters, sealed in homemade envelopes as in the character in the book. (I know, the annoying overachiever.) Anyway, most hilarious moment was when Sajithan went up to the front of the class and read this book report convincing the class to read the book he chose. When he came back, he showed me his paper and it was blank! From that day on, he was my favourite jokester.

Our table was very quite, but beside us, sat Amanda, Dino and others. Their table would sing "Lady Marmalade" and Mr. Sang would yell at our table, thinking we were the ones being noisy, even though their table was closer to his desk than ours!

2001-2002 Grade 8:

We were finally king of the jungles! I had grown from a kindegartener at this school into a grade 8er. For our door decoration competition, we chose the country "Afghanistan" and made a camel to go with it. We were such a hilarious class, now that I think of it. In Geography class, we really hated our teacher who would abuse us with words. So we started/I started a joke of the day that we would pass around on small strips of paper. The most laughed about joke that really is not a joke was "Ms. Hwang has no cable."

She never let us go to the bathroom (by this time, we were badasses and just roaming the halls whenever we asked to use the bathroom) and we were annoyed by it! Our class came up with this elaborate plan to get her in trouble, by asking the nicest student in class ask to use the washroom and then have one of the trouble makers ask the same, to see the difference in treatment and tape it on a cassette.

I went home for lunch one day, with my mom watching CNN. It showed the video of a plane crashing into the top of the World Trade Centre.

Someone was burning garbage cans in the boys' washroom and outside on recess grounds. Yacob was caught. And everyone said he was a terrorist.

Dina was another character we'll never forget. She was expelled from High Gate and transferred to our school. She had this sweatshirt that said Beckers University, and there would be jokes that said she went to Beckers' University. It was a coincidence because she said her family owned a Beckers. She also wore platform black foam sandals during gym one day and rolled her ankle onto the grass. Is it mean that we still laugh at that?

Our grad trip was to Niagara Falls. Fantastic trip for 8th graders.

We had 24 people in our graduating class, with 1/3 of them not going into our feeder high school.

We had the new, just out of teacher's, French teacher - Mme. Cohen. She was this adorable, 5'0 girl who had just spent a year in Paris, finding herself and exploring the city. She brought in these French newspapers, but unfortunately, they had girls in lingerie on some of the advertisements. Dino and Micha (2 of the boys that never really went to class and were the masterminds behind the cassette scandal) had now become buddies with the principal, who couldn't really do anything about their behaviour. Dino went down to the office and said Mme Cohen was showing us inapproriate papers, while she bawled her eyes out, explaining she only wanted us to read French newspapers.

Our homeroom blackboard had this section called HOME FUN where homework would be listed underneath. I would changed it to HOMIE'S WORX and draw a house with smoke coming out of the chimney.

Just a little before March Break, I went back to Taiwan for my Grandma's funeral. My mom made me tell everyone otherwise - so my best friend at that time, told everyone I was in Hawaii. She was sweet. I have never cried so hard before. This was the first time my heart actually hurt. And this is probably when I started to be scared of losing memories.

I was Valedictorian of our graduating class. I won the Science award, which girls never usually win. I won the French award because verbs in French are easy for me. My parents were not at my graduation.

2002-2003 Grade 9:
I had visions of high school being like Sweey Valley High. Boy was I wrong.

We were 9ners and the smallest group from all the feeder schools. Other schools had almost 60+ people...we had about 20 so we stuck together for the most part.

We met the Randallers. It was Randallers VS Millies at every party! Dance battles? Brought it.

Friends broke up, new friendships were made.

Asian Avenue was HOT. Before myspace, Friendster and Facebook (in that order), Asian Avenue was the place to have a personal page and was the place for gossip the next day at school. Xanga was also another place to write passive aggressive posts that would spread gossip like wildfires the next day. I came across a brilliant writer on Xanga and I followed his writing for a very long time. He amazed me. Many friends say I'm great at writing, something I don't agree with nor do my English grades ever prove. They say I write in a relatable way, which I'm glad to hear. But anyway, this writer is exactly like how my readers (Okay, who am I kidding, only Dr. Yee, the GIPs and Paddy read this!) think of me. He's brilliant in conveying real emotions. Something about the short sentences and realness caught my attention.

I decorated my locker door with pictures, STICKER pictures!, twigs and a bunch of momentos. I actually cared what my locker door looked like. (By 12th grade, I shared my locker with 2 guys and one of them always had stinky gym clothes.)

Overall, grade 9 was a lot of fun for me. Perhaps trying to sedate myself from all that was really happening.

I missed my parents a lot. Both of them were half way around the world. My aunt would drive me to school, sometimes being late because she had work. I would insist on walking home, carrying my binders in my arms, thinking all the most cynical thoughts I could while feeling sorry for myself, but sucking it up because I have always been a brush yourself off kind of girl. And because I didn't want anyone to feel sorry for me. Being fucking emo, really. My brother and I would get into arguments because we were 2 children, taking care of ourselves, living in a house once filled with people. I was 14, he was 10.

I didn't share any of this teenage angst with anyone. I was the same at school - happy and excited to be meeting all these new people.

My mom didn't know when she would return.

I was still angry she couldn't make it for my grade 8 graduation. She never congratulated me on being Valedictorian or winning the other awards. Was she ever going to compliment me? Was I ever going to be good enough? Would she ever stop favouring my brother?

My goal was to become a doctor. My Grandma would've liked that.

I have a few teachers in my life that I can never forget because they've left a positive impact on me, like: Mrs. Jenn (grade 4 & 5 teacher), Mr. Mio (grade 8 teacher) and Chen Xiao Dong laoshi. One of the only happy times during this year is when I would go to Chinese school on Saturdays. Chen laoshi, before starting class, would write in Chinese characters, Buddist idioms on the blackboard, have us copy it and explain it to us. Most of these idioms were how to become a better person, to be good to your parents, to be forgiving and loving. During this block of time, I was very happy. And when I returned home, I would try to live up to these words, but circumstances overpowered her teachings. Till this day, I still have these notes that I copied down. Now that I think back, she was definitely an angel sent from God to help me at my most vulnerable time. She is the most benevolent person I have ever met - loving, encouraing, forving - almost sin free. She was the first parent figure that told us doing what you truly love is the most important, something I had let pass through my ears. Her daughter studied theatre at Queens, something unheard of in the Asian community. I wrote Chen laoshi a card in Chinese, letting her know she has been a great teacher and taught me so much. Chen laoshi was the only person, after I entered high school, that I felt encouraged me and believed in me to be better than I could.

2003-2004 Grade 10:
I wasn't getting stellar grades, like I was used to. But I insisted on fast tracking in hopes I would get spares in grade 12 so the Asian 6 Pack (all 3 Sciences, 3 Maths) would not kill me. My favourite class was with Mr. Murchie, who taught Advanced Functions and Relations for grade 11. I was in grade 10 and taking this class. AND I would go up to the board to write my solutions for homework when others didn't get it. I really loved this class. I would start doing problem sets at 11PM, and finish around 3AM. I would hear the train at 1AM, 2AM and finally 3AM before I hit the sack.

Although I was great at the problems I practiced, the 'thinking&inquiry' points murdered me. A mixture of not getting good grades, even after trying so hard, and having to act like an adult when at home, was making me hate the world. This was the first time that failure jaded me. This wasn't like elementary school, where all the teachers loved me and school was a breeze without trying. I tried and I couldn't do it. I had other things to worry about. Disappointment after disappointment led me into being bitter. Teenage angst was building.

I didn't understand why my mother was putting everyone else before her own children. I vowed never to be like my mother.

I invited Babs and Goosie to my 16th birthday party, via a Friendster message to Goosie. This is when we finally reunited! And now I can not live a day without them. Women of my life.

We went out for Halloween! I whipped up a pirate costume in 5 minutes with all the things I had at home. Nuni was also a pirate. What a great night.

Finally,"THE USUALS" was being established. Lots of girl drama. Lots of boy drama. But we were a crew nonetheless...the cool Chinese crew at school that was intimidating. This was the start of house parties and underage drinking. We found comfort within each other, whether our problems real or not. I named us "THE USUALS" because it was the usual people that would show up at our parties.

The first large house party was at M's. Her backyard was our haven - alcohol in ice, drinking games with shots, puking, people taking off their clothes and rolling in mud (I'm look at you GH.), the smokers and weed being offered.

For my 17th birthday, I had a house party at my house because it was empty. We made dinner and had a silly time, with friends being over alcohol. We also had tequila shots that we found in my kitchen.

THE USUALS went to Boston. Drama, as usual. Pun or no pun?

We planned elaborate birthday parties for each other. SO ELABORATE. We spoiled each other.

511s

2009-12-29T19:57:00.006-05:00

I find myself always looking for guys that look like him. Something about his averageness that makes him more than average. I always glance twice at a pair of 511s passing by when they resemble what he looks like in them.

Is this my memory being helpful or working against me?

1 Queen Sized Bed + 12 hours

2009-12-28T23:50:00.010-05:00

And in that moment, I realized it's not about the parties that you go to, or the boys you pass by at these parties...it's about the best friends you've had since 3rd grade, that are willing to just lie in bed with you, gently forcing you to compose a list of how to better communicate between the gentleman friend and yourself.

It is also in the time that the 4 of us were lying all over each other in a queen size bed that I realized we were no longer in the world of right and wrongs, black and whites...of definite answers and absolutism. And that we now are old(er) ladies that enjoy lounging around instead of a day at the meat market, aka clubs.

Relationships are difficult now. It isn't high school dating anymore and the big city owes you nothing. Left, right and centre, friends are getting engaged. The newest couple have just moved in together. The high school sweethearts have just broken up. You...are somewhere inbetween.

Thoughts of "the one" are surfacing and as hypocritically as everyone can, we reassure each other that as long as you're happy, it's all fine and dandy.

Everyone needs a queen sized bed.

She

2009-12-16T02:21:00.003-05:00

She will be named Mona Lily Anna - a mixture of my parent's names.

Mona: a twist of mother&co's name, Muna.
Anna: a mix of words from the parent's chinese names. AN & NA.

I added Lily so she'd be pretty like one. You know, they say people grow into their names.

Time Is A Mode Of Thought

2009-12-12T19:07:00.007-05:00

I've always been bounded by time. And probably always will be.

A couple of nights ago, I thought to before we moved to Canada. It was nearing 330AM, but I just had to wake up to scribble down all that came flooding back to me. It was like a web - one after the other, pairings of memories stimulated by the previous with my pen swirling non-stop.

It's said that children don't retain memory until they are 5, so why is it that I vividly remember these events from when I was just 3? I'm going to sit down with my parents when I go home to see if they remember the same things or whether as a 3-year-old, I had hallucinations. I have about 20 memories/scenerios jotted down, all vivid with details.

And then it got me thinking. I was so anxious to write them down, afraid that if they weren't documented, I would never remember them again, or it'd be rare if I did remember them again.

I've always been a girl chasing down memory. And probably always will be.

Today I was ID'ed for buying Pomtinis at the LCBO. Quite a sweet feeling since I love looking like a 17-year-old Chinese girl with a fake. Time really is just a mode of thought.

He'll Call If...

2009-12-11T19:57:00.003-05:00

boy: This guy's gonna buy her drinks all night and she's still gonna insist there's no spark.

girl: Maybe there's not. You need a spark.

boy: Oh the spark thing is bullshit.

girl: Really?

boy: Bullshit.

girl: Enlighten me.

boy: Guys invented the spark so they could not call and treat you kinda badly and keep you guessing and they can convince you that that anxiety and fear that just develops naturally was actually just a spark. And you guys all buy it! Love it! Eat it up! You love it because you feed off that drama. You all love that drama.

girl: I don't.

這個城市

2009-12-10T01:40:00.001-05:00

我知道要珍惜現在此刻的每一分每一秒
學生時代是每個 "大人" 最懷念的
而且我可是個不定時移動的靈魂

我現在的確是有點膩和嫌棄這個大城市
可是也知道不管以後在世界的那一個角落﹐我還是會想家的
而這個城市﹐就是我的家
這個大城市讓我發覺我是一個寧靜的靈魂﹐一個喜歡簡單純朴生活的
我不要求很多﹐快樂就好
哪怕那一天我不快樂了我會記得這城市所教我的
這城市的氣氛﹐熱鬧﹐人潮

這個城市讓很多人揭曉他們的夢想
給了夢想空間發光發熱
發光發熱的同時﹐也有很多人失去了自己
讓龐大的城市吞掉了原來的自我

我不想當那個可憐鬼也不會讓自己的

The Other Mother

2009-12-06T00:13:00.002-05:00

And one day you'll awake and your heart and your soul will have gone. A husk you'll be, a wisp you'll be, and a thing no more than a dream on waking, or a memory of something forgotten.
-Coraline (Neil Gaiman)

Top 5 Christmas Movies

2009-11-30T19:21:00.005-05:00

Yesterday consisted of me IMDBing a bunch of Christmas movies to write a top 5 list for my in-studio show final for the teleprompter.

So here is my list:

Number 1 is Home Alone 2: Lost In New York. This movie is SO good it can be played all year round. Not only is Macaulay Culkin adorable in this movie, but I'm sure every 5th grader wanted a Talk Boy or Talk Girl after watching it. Am I right or am I right? This movie is great for families to watch together. It's delightful, the bandits are a great laugh and it even gets a little teary eyed with the pigeon lady.

Number 2 is National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation. Chevy Chase plays the dad, who plans for this extravagant family gathering, but nothing goes his way. His Christmas lights don't light up -- they blow up actually -- and the relatives are driving him ab-so-lute-ly crazy, something I'm sure every family can relate to. Definitely a Christmas classic with the family!

Number 3 would be Elf, a story of a human who was raised by elves in the North Pole. Will Ferrell plays the elf, who is oblivious to the fact that Christmas doesn't exist all year round on Earth. It's a cute Christmas themed movie if you can handle the spandex on Will Ferrell.

Now number 4 and 5 will be favourites for the girls and some guys too I suppose. It's a toss up between Love Actually and Serendipity. Both are charming rom-coms that revolve around the holiday season. Love Actually follows the lives of eight very different couples in dealing with their relationships a month before Christmas. To say I didn't watch it for Hugh Grant would be a lie. But that was definitely pre-hooker scandals.

Serendipity is about a couple who reunite years after the night they first meet, fall in love, separate and are convinced they will get back together again. The sight of two strangers, skating in a rink decorated in Christmas light in the snowy backdrop of New York City. What a moment, right girls? This is the textbook romantic comedy that will leave you feeling all bubbly...perfect for the holiday season.

ILU Alec Baldwin

2009-11-07T00:06:00.000-05:00

I think writing is under appreciated when it comes to movies and television shows. There are so many great 1-liners that we owe to writers.

"I got you. New York, 3rd wave feminist, college educated. Single and pretending to be happy about it , over scheduled, under sexed. And every 2 years you take up knitting for a week."

A cookie in the middle of the day?
I gave blood.
Does that burn calories?

無雙寶貝

2009-11-06T21:08:00.009-05:00

我沒有名車﹐但我有機車
每次載妳的時候﹐我都會感覺到妳從背後抱住我那種溫暖的感覺

妳可以為了我繼續穿迷你裙
我可以為了你穿西裝打領帶
我們可以一起看妳愛看的外國電影
你可以陪我一起看我愛看的熱血漫畫
只要我們在一起就都OK

如果累了沒車我可以揹你回家
如果你心情不好﹐我可以配你上天台看星星
沒有金錢隊切的戀愛也不見得不浪漫
這樣因為感覺單純的在一起﹐ 難道不可以嗎?

條件真的比感覺重要嗎?
談戀愛如果知剩下條件的話﹐ 不是很悲慘嗎
條件能讓你快樂嗎? 還是條件能讓你幸福

當你靠近一個人﹐那種心跳加速害羞的感覺﹐ 妳還有嗎?

new postcard!

2009-11-06T19:35:00.002-05:00

Oct 30th, 2009 -- by airmail, from Napoli.

#s

2009-10-28T01:19:00.002-04:00

Early twenties, mid-twenties, late twenties...

30.

2018.

OCT 23

2009-10-23T14:50:00.001-04:00

How many times did you have to read that last paragraph? And can you possibly fidget any more? It's going to be near impossible to keep your focus today. In fact, you might as well take the day off work if at all possible. Restlessness is best curbed by giving in. Let it tucker itself out, like a puppy, and then maybe you can find some peace.

Life On the Refrigerator Door

2009-10-22T04:50:00.005-04:00

I highly recommend this book for girls who think they are too busy to sit down and chat with their mothers.

老師的道理

2009-10-22T04:44:00.006-04:00

幼稚園的時候
老師會很自然的幫小朋友們配對
一個小男生就會配給一個小女生
老師對我說﹕要記得她就是你的公主你要做的就是保護她
所以上校車的時候會牽著她
吃飯時幫他拿碗
我唯一知道的
就是她必須是像公主那樣被我保護
沒有為什麼也沒有裡由
長大之候
我才發現老師的遊戲裡面境然安排了這麼大的道理
女孩子是公主
不管她愛你還是不愛你
You will always treat her like a princess.

To My Dearest Babs

2009-10-07T03:54:00.018-04:00

She is always on the move. She is brilliant. She is lovable. She is kind, altruistic and logical. She is moving away again, to start her "grown up" life, settling back into a city that she has already dazzled in the past 4 years in the tri-state. She is the voice of reason and the inventor of the "pros/cons" list when in tough situations. (Who makes their pro/cons list into colour coded pie charts to further analyze?) She is a terrible, but adventurous driver.

She loves to bake and has the patience to make them into pieces of art. She loves to drink hot milk tea with tapioca sans sugar and snack on brick toast with condensed milk in the late hours of the morning. Her clothing collection may or may not (depending on how you feel about animal print) contain too much animal print. She enjoys webcamming.

Those boxes in the basement, half unravelled, half still in their original state - are the boxes that will accompany her to discover what "grown up" life is like. If only boxes could talk, I'm sure they would be proud of her, miss her and want her to stay to play with them forever. If only the boxes were there in place of us, helping her scope out all the sketchy joints in town, making a scene on move in day by being overly loud, by being exhausted after settling in and just wanting to lie down to drink a can of her favourite Taiwanese Root Beer, Sha Shi.

Distance has never been a problem for us. The number of e-mails we send each other can be compiled into editions of encyclopaedias by alphabetical order. We know each other's daily lives better than roommates that share the same living space. We understand the concept of "lying down" after eating...we love the sporatic e-mail chain responses sent seconds apart. We can laugh at 1 thought for the entire night and beyond. (Flood pants anyone?) Bellini Wednesday is our first name and honey green tea is our last name.

The most loving wishes to our dearest Babs for the new job. You will be fantastic. I want her to know whatever decisions she makes, we are behind her 100%. There isn't a right or wrong choice, there is only a "pros/cons" list! Kidding! There has never been another person that I know can handle a grown up job better than she. Well, besides the fact that she is the eldest so she's gotta try it first. ;)

Please don't be scared of this new and exciting time. You won't be alone, you know that. We will only be a long distance phone call or an e-mail or a group! webcam! session! away. Even if it is 3AM in the morning, we will be there to let you know how to exterminate spiders from your new home if needed. I will google it, Aiden will call WDAG and Meghan will probably be drinking a honey green tea.

Bon voyage, my dearest Babs.

Some Dream Of This

2009-10-07T03:14:00.015-04:00

(Go to Flickr steam pg4 for the full size of this...Blogger upload does not do this skyline justice.)

I'm very groggy when suddenly woken up by phone calls during naps ...and am a big jerk about it. I don't know why, but it seems like having a decent phone conversation with Mother&Co in the haze of grogginess is very difficult. She has the patience to listen to my rude responses when I know I would never speak to others in that tone. I need to change this. I was not raised to be disrespectful and rude. Probably because family will always be family, whatever you do or say will never lessen their love for you.

I didn't go home last weekend - perhaps that's why? I'm a homesick girl.

Some dream of the city, I dream of waking up in my parent's suburban home to the sound of steady rain drops on our grapevine.

Whenever I get into insanely busy weeks that seem like whirlwind weeks, I realize how content I am with the energy of being busy. In the end, everything always works out, a blessing I'm well aware of.

I'm a blessed girl, I know.

Birthday Parties

2009-09-30T02:52:00.008-04:00

Lately, I've been getting a lot of invites to birthday parties, but they no longer seem to have the same spark as one's 16th, 19th or 21st.

The most recent one was for a friend's bf, who turned 28, but insisted he will forever be 25. Next week, the only man who I know that can pull off a full Ned Flanders mustache is turning 26. He jokes that he'll shoot himself at his 30th birthday party infront of us. (It seems like the next two miletsone birthdays is the 25th and 30th.) Also, doesn't really help that this Summer everyone, including myself, attended what seemed like endless engagement parties, wedding showers and weddings.

Is everyone growing up?

親手做蛋糕

2009-09-25T14:58:00.001-04:00

沒想到第一次親手做蛋糕給個異性既然是為了我好哥們兒的生日
而不是為了討好自己的男人
我也太賢惠了吧!
沒有甜甜的感覺
心沒有佈佈跳
我們可以手勾手肩並肩的夜遊
可以寫大篇的電子信給對方
可以一起看電影﹐吃飯 (每次都是他煮)﹐閒聊﹐開玩笑
純純的友誼﹐好心的表示﹐生日的祝福

My Role Models

2009-09-22T22:10:00.013-04:00

Things are going, moving, changing -- not static.

I don't know...perhaps I need to settle into some sort of pattern.

One knows well enough that time is linear and cannot be moved around, but my imagination disagrees.

Ambition is still very much afraid of failure.

It's never good to hear an artist say they are out of ideas.

This past weekend at home I read my Great Uncle's autobiography and all the compiled articles written about him. How is it I have such great role models and artists in my life? He is an accomplished and award winning journalist, photographer and author -- a storyteller of sorts.

He is now in his 80s, with Parkinson's disease and suffers from the after effects of his recent stroke. It breaks my heart seeing him work so hard every day, but it is one of the last pages of the book that resonated with me and made me very emotional. Written in a casual and optimistic way, he hopes he become healthier to continue doing what he loves.

Just knowing someone who is so passionate makes me so ashamed of every time when I want to give up. When I visited him last summer, it was the first time I met him. He and my Great Aunt live by themselves, in a 2 floor apartment. There is a steep cement stair case that leads up to his work studio, where he converts all his VHS productions into DVD copies. He takes these stairs every day, step by step, trembling limbs and frail body.

In his 50s, he learned how to drive. In his 60s, he learned how to use the computer. In his 70s, he learned video production and started Biographical Documentaries on famous literary figures. In his 80s, I saw him struggle up the steep stairs, insisting on showing me his studio, his photo portfolio, his office (where 1 entire wall consisted of a bookshelf, stocked with books signed from every possible author imaginable) and sharing all his experiences with me.

I cry every time I think of how much it must hurt him that Parkinson's has immobolized his hands. The same hands that learned how to drive, write, edit and make a living out of his passion.

My Grandpa is currently writing his autobiography, which I cannot wait to read. I can say I know no greater man than he.

My grandpa has a love for extravagent aquariams and gold fish. When I was 3, I remember sprawling out in the back seat of his leather Oldesmobile seat, going to buy more goldfish without telling my grandma. It was our secret. In the days without cell phones, everyone was worried about where we went. By this time, my grandpa was already 79 and sneaking the car out did not sit well with my grandma.

Scholar, WWII Army Doctor, 50 years of service in medicine, Chief of Medicine at his own clinic, a father-husband-grand parent-head of house etc. Currently a 97-year-old optimist who enjoys systematically figuring out the chances of his lottery numbers, planting Papaya trees and continously improving his English with grammar studies and work books.

I have amazing role models in my life.

His Canvas

2009-08-28T02:45:00.005-04:00

Oh, I get it. She is his muse.

I cannot be against such art.

That Was Yesterday

2009-08-25T14:50:00.009-04:00

Sometimes "the industry" really disappoints me. Whether it's about inequality or nepotism, there's too much luck and charm involved.

I'm learning to accept my faults and take criticism with grace.

On a completely different note, Mr. J is absolutely as charming in conversation, if not even more so, than I had imagined. While Babs and I were loitering in the parking lot of a church chatting very late/early into the morning (and being scared by all the random cars that would drive by), the idea of the slightly unattainable person came up. Why is it that a person who is not completely invested in you is so enticing?

Too much and we think he's clingy. Too little and we think there's something wrong with us. But just the right amount keeps things interesting.

PS. Have 60% of the emo boys from high school grown up to be beardy hipster boys? I think so.

Faith

2009-08-22T20:18:00.006-04:00

God is so good to me, always.

Having faith that everything will work out and things will fall into place is how I deal. And it works. I'm so blessed. Sometimes I just forget.

MILLIES ROADTRIP

2009-08-18T22:06:00.008-04:00

wine, 80s & 90s music, arcade! (prizes), green tea facial mask, the falls, cottage by lake, photosphotosphotos!, maid of the mist, milton & markham

Isn't it wonderful that we've known each other since Kindegarten? To many more.

$47,804 USD

2009-08-13T22:24:00.005-04:00

is how much it costs for a semester at UC Berkeley for a MJ (re:Photojournalism) at their J-School.

My parent's shouldn't have bought me a car when I was 17.

September 2009

2009-08-12T12:24:00.002-04:00

Everything will come together.

Torrential Rainfall

2009-07-26T17:15:00.002-04:00

Roof top concert that rained out became cozy living room concert.

NIGHT IT UP 2009

2009-07-12T17:03:00.011-04:00

BELIEVE IT. 60,000 people.
I am so proud of us.
Volunteerism should be defined by the people you meet, the long and sometimes frustrating process and the bittersweet finale.
Over 1000 registered for Other Half bone marrow registry.
Rain and shine, wind and more wind. We did it. We done it.
This is my final bow.
I couldn't have asked for a better team.
xo

JULY 10th & 11th

2009-07-08T15:07:00.001-04:00

NIGHT IT UP! is happening. Amazing dedication and effort from the entire team. So proud of PU. We always pull it off. We even made BLOGTO's Top 20 Summer Festivals!

www.nightitup.com

New entries er'day.

Follow Me

2009-07-07T00:32:00.005-04:00

1) Santorini, Greece
2) Trevi Fountain - Rome, Italy
3) Grass plains - Inner Mongolia

I'm Not There Yet

2009-07-05T23:14:00.002-04:00

"This indie nation of silent, unobtrusive Polly Pockets and anxiously impotent man-boys stopped making sense to me just when it became obvious that careerism was verboten; that sex was mostly theoretical; that biking in the sunshine to vegetarian picnics was an ideal — the ideal — weekend activity. So protective is indie rock that developing priorities or perspectives beyond its placated confines is considered treasonous to the be-hoodied negaverse."

Cherry Blossoms

2009-07-04T10:44:00.005-04:00

My 25-year-old cherry tree has some kind of rotting disease as of right now. An infestation of Carpenter Ants perhaps also the case because I saw a pile of wood dust at the base of the trunk. :(

This was how beautiful it was in May 2009.

This Month

2009-06-24T01:01:00.003-04:00

work, work, work, work, play, sleep, love, work, bitch, work

July 10th and 11th
www.nightitup.com
www.twitter.com/night_it_up